


Princes of the Universe

by Thenerdintheattic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: And Beruani, And Yumihisu, Best Friends to Fuck Friends to Boyfriends, But Mentions of JeanMarco, Confused Bertl, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Reiner, Hand Jobs, London AU, M/M, Mainly Reibert - Freeform, Mild Smut, Modern AU, Referenced Suicide Attempt, bertl pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-07-02 19:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15803268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenerdintheattic/pseuds/Thenerdintheattic
Summary: Bertholdt Hoover is a librarian who recently broke up with his girlfriend of seven years, Annie. When his best friend comes back into his life after seven years, Bertholdt must face old and new demons as his relationship with Reiner takes the most unexpected turn.Modern AU. Reibert.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm... So it's like my first AU ever (false! I did write one for ReiBert Week but I've given much more thoughts to this one). I'm usually not really into alternate universes but canon is so mean to Reiner and Bertholdt I kind of had to try and give them a bit of happiness in another universe.  
> I haven't finished writing it yet, but I have something like 9 chapters out of 10 for now so it's well advanced and I'm hoping to finish it within this week because I'm going back to uni next Monday so I probably won't have much time to put into it but I'll do my best to keep it going. Just maybe not as often.  
> Also, I borrowed the title of this story to Queen (this song reminds me a lot of Reibert). You can listen to it (or not), just because it's great.  
> And thanks again @Mishafer for beta reading this :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Saturday 2nd September 2017

Bertholdt Hoover didn't like parties. He didn't like the music that was always too loud, he didn't like the guy that always ended up completely wasted – in their group, it was usually Eren who liked to pretend he could hold his liquor but who never had been the one to clean his puke after only three shots of vodka. Connie was also known to be a bad drinker but the party being at his place, it meant that Bertholdt wouldn't be the one to clean up afterward.

With a sigh, he put his keys on the counter and removed his shoes, his phone still in his hands. He'd been thinking about Marco's message on his way up to their flat, thinking of the best way to decline the invitation. Without much luck. Annie used to say that he didn't know how to say no to people and he had to admit that she'd been right all along. The truth was as much as he would like to see his friends and relax, he wasn't really in the mood to socialise. Besides, Connie, organising a party to celebrate – or rather drink away – the end of the summer holidays, wasn't what he would describe as chilling. All he wanted to do was to cook something nice for himself and curl up on the sofa with a book. Was that too much to ask? With another sigh, Bertholdt decided that it wasn't. After all, Marco hadn't been the one working all day.

Resolute, Bertholdt unlocked his phone and texted his roommate back, with a little bit of apprehension. It didn't feel right to say no.

**Not coming. Too tired. Have fun.**

To keep his mind away from Marco's answer, he opened the fridge, took a bottle of beer and sat on one of the kitchen chairs, stretching his long legs in front of him. One minute later, his phone buzzed.

**Come on, you'll regret it if you don't come. And there is a surprise for you. You'll love it.**

Bertholdt didn't like surprises either. He enjoyed a simple life, made of habits. He enjoyed finding comfort in his books and a hot mug of coffee. Yet, he knew he wasn't going to be able to refuse twice, instead, he settled for his backup solution: ignore the problem until it went away. He had just finished his beer and was about to go and have a shower when the phone buzzed again and, cursing his own curiosity, Bertholdt opened Marco's message.

**Please, I'll need someone to drive me back home.**

Bertholdt sighed again. He hated when Marco did that – tricked him into putting himself into a situation that made him uncomfortable. He knew that his roommate meant well most of the time, he'd been a real friend lately and Bertholdt could never thank him enough, but was it so hard to understand that he wasn't like the rest of them?

He couldn't possibly ignore that, let alone refuse, and with one last curse for his weak will, Bertholdt finally gave in.

 **Be there in 1 hour**.

He threw his phone on the couch and disappeared into the bathroom.

*

One hour sharp later (Bertholdt was always precise with the timing), he was knocking at Connie's door. Having chosen black jeans and a white shirt, nothing too casual, nothing too formal either. The music blared from the corridor and already he felt the first signs of a headache.

Marco was the one to open the door, beaming. Bertholdt's annoyance faded a tad and he came in, thinking that it might not be that bad after all. He could do with some fun time. He was about to thank Marco for forcing him to come when he spotted her, talking next to the window with Mikasa. He stopped, mouth hanging open. He could feel his palms get wetter by the second as discomfort was slowly invading his whole body. Annie Leonhart. His ex-girlfriend. The two of them had been together for seven years, they'd been living together and Bertholdt had thought that his life would be with her. That was until she had dumped him, no more than two months before. He had refused to be in the same room as her ever since, not caring one bit that his friends described his reaction as “dramatic”. Hell, he was the one who had been dumped, he was allowed to be as dramatic as he wanted. Soon, Marco appeared in front of him, hiding Annie from him.

“Do you think this is funny?” Bertholdt asked, bitterly.

“No! I didn't know she would be there, I swear. Connie is just a moron sometimes.”

Bertholdt turned towards the door, ready to flee. He couldn't be in the same room with Annie. He still had too many things to figure out, he wasn't ready to speak to her again, he wasn't ready to accept what had crawled into his mind since the break-up. Marco tried to stop him but Bertholdt had already put his hand on the handle and nothing was going to change his mind.

“Bertl?”

He froze. Only one person in the whole world called him that. One man he hadn't seen in … seven years. He didn't have the time to turn around, already a powerful hand closed on his shoulder and before he knew it, he was being hugged. He couldn't see his face yet but he recognised the musky smell and that deep voice and those blond locks. He couldn't help a smile, the Annie debacle already forgotten. Bertholdt pulled away and, yes, Reiner Braun, his childhood friend, was standing there, beaming like a child on Christmas Day.

“Wow Reiner! What are you doing here?”

He observed his friend, suddenly thirsty to print his face on his retina. Reiner had changed. A lot. He was a bit taller and he seemed more sturdy and muscular but Bertholdt might have been mistaken about that. What caught Bertholdt's attention right away were the beard and the glasses which gave him a classy yet neglected look. Judging by his appearance, Reiner must have been doing very well with the ladies. Bertholdt himself became very conscious of the fact that he hadn't changed much in all these years. He had tried the beard too but hadn't liked it very much (or rather, Annie hadn't liked it). Probably, his eyes looked more tired and he wasn't a lanky teenager anymore, he was trying to put more effort into his appearance. His hair was also a bit longer maybe (a nice way to say messier but he wouldn't acknowledge that.)

“I came as soon as I heard that you and Annie had broken up. I'm sorry about that, man.”

Bertholdt smiled sadly. He wasn't sure how to feel about that – his break-up with Annie had changed his whole world and yet, it had just brought his best friend back into his life. The contradiction in his feelings was too much to handle at the moment.

He had known Reiner since kindergarten, in fact, he didn't have a memory in which he didn't know Reiner. Annie had joined their little group the first year of school and the three of them had been inseparable until sixth form. Others had come and gone, but essentially, it had been the three of them. After they had passed all their A-levels, Annie and Bertholdt had moved to London to go to university. Reiner had stayed behind and despite Bertholdt's attempts, they had drifted apart. Or rather, Reiner had drifted apart, ignoring his friends' calls and messages. But Bertholdt didn't want to think about that just yet, he was just too happy to see his friend, to hear him, to touch him. It didn't feel real.

“She said you were taking the whole thing quite badly,” Reiner added.

 _Yeah, well what would you expect_ , Bertholdt thought bitterly. He threw a quick glance towards Annie. She was still talking to Mikasa but this time she noticed him and even had the audacity to wave at him. Bertholdt looked away and cursed himself because he could feel his cheek become red. His joy of seeing Reiner again had somewhat vanished.

He wanted to leave but Marco had already dragged him to the centre of the room, Reiner in tail and if he wanted to go now, he would have to make a scene which he couldn't do. Marco knew that. Bertholdt was aware that his roommate was talking to him but he was still too mad to even want to acknowledge him. He turned his back, cutting him off in the middle of a sentence, to talk to Reiner. Marco knew him well enough to know that he had kind of messed up tricking him there and with a sad look at Bertholdt, he left: “I bet you guys have a lot to catch up. I should leave you two alone.” Bertholdt couldn't help but be touched by the pain in his voice and he already knew that he was going to hate himself for it later. But he was definitely going to need to have a long chat with his friend to re-establish what was appropriate and what wasn't.

When Marco was gone, Reiner smiled a bit absent-mindedly and took him towards a wall not without having grabbed two beers from Connie before. Bertholdt smiled thankfully – Reiner knew about his friend's aversion at being in the centre of the room. Reiner didn't know anyone there and yet it didn't show. He was navigating through the room, smiling at people and exchanging pleasantries with those he didn't even know one hour before and Bertholdt felt happy to notice that his friend hadn't changed one bit in seven years. He was still outgoing, pleasant, and everyone seemed to love him. 

“You look like you know these people more than I do,” Bertholdt remarked.

Reiner giggled and passed his hand on his neck, a little embarrassed.

“Yeah, your roomy filled me in when I got here but it's only pretence. I don't remember half of their names.”

Bertholdt smiled before pointing towards Marco. They had met during their first English class together and had become real friends very soon. In fact, Marco was the closest thing Bertholdt had as a best friend, after Reiner. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin had arrived soon after. The three had known each other pretty much since forever and it had reminded Bertholdt a lot about his own childhood friends. Connie had joined their little group in the same period. All of them had been confused as to what he was doing at university in the first place, and they still were. He had dropped classes after one semester and was now working as a waiter in a restaurant. That's where he had met Sasha, his girlfriend. Bertholdt had found her a bit odd at first but he had finally warmed up to her and couldn't imagine living without her apple-raspberry crumbles.

Bertholdt had met Ymir at work. She had been working for a month in the same library as him because she was the adopted daughter of some kind of important member of the city council. The man had hoped she would find a respectable career there but she had mainly hated her time among books. The only positive thing that had come from this forced work experience had been the strong friendship she had formed with Bertholdt. Ymir wasn't a very social being, just like he was, but her girlfriend, Historia, was and she had bonded very easily with the others, especially Sasha.

“There's also Levi and his friends, Erwin and Hange,” Bertholdt finished. “Levi is Mikasa's cousin, they hang with us sometimes. But they're weird. Like super intense and I think they're together, like the three of them. But I'm not even sure.”

Reiner looked at Bertholdt approvingly.

“So many people in your life now. You've gone far, I'm proud of you Bertl.”

Bertholdt couldn't help but blush from the compliment. He hadn't forgotten the time when Reiner was his only friend, when Reiner was the only one he would dare to talk to, when he didn't need anyone else but him. Even when Annie had joined them, Reiner and Bertholdt had kept hanging out together a lot. Just the two of them.

“Yeah … well ...” Bertholdt cleared his throat. “What about you?”

Reiner pointed towards a brown-haired man talking with Armin that Bertholdt hadn't noticed before.

“Just me and my pal, Jean.”

“Who's that?”

“My only friend?” Reiner laughed. “He moved to England like a month ago and well... I couldn't decently leave him alone with my mum, she would have fattened him like a bloody goose.”

Bertholdt snorted. He hadn't forgotten Reiner's mother, who despite her many flaws, had always tried to compensate for the fact of being a single mum by feeding her son way too much. Fortunately, Reiner had turned out to be muscular and not fat.

“You still live with your mum?”

A shadow passed on Reiner's face, too quickly though for Bertholdt to be certain it had been there.

“Yeah but Jean and me will be living with Annie for now, time for us to find jobs and a place to share. I figured it would be easier being in London.”

So Reiner would be around for a long time. The weight that had been on Bertholdt's heart since the breakup lifted a little at the thought of having him near again.

“Cool. Maybe we can reconnect sometime. You know, like before.”

Reiner nodded pensively. It wasn't enough, though. Suddenly, Bertholdt longed for something more. He wasn't sure what exactly, maybe he wanted to go away right now with Reiner, go somewhere more private where they could catch up seven years. Maybe he just wanted to hug him again because he had forgotten how much he had missed him. So much that it was painful.

“I've missed you,” Bertholdt added from the tip of his lips.

Seven years. Seven years without seeing his friend, seven years without a phone call. Not even a message. Seven years. They had become strangers. They hadn't even said goodbye.

“Me too.”

Reiner's amber eyes fell on him and after only seconds, Bertholdt couldn't hold the heat of this gaze. Reiner's beard and glasses were nothing. He was still the same underneath. He even acted the same. And yet there was something different in those eyes, something broken, something dark, something scary. Bertholdt looked away. The atmosphere inside the small flat was starting to be oppressive. Bertholdt thought about opening a window but Annie was still close to it so he abandoned the idea, hoping that someone else would do it instead. To alleviate the heat, he took a long sip of beer. Everyone seemed to be having fun. Connie and Eren were playing a drinking game. Armin and Marco were chatting with Historia. Sasha was cooking something in the kitchen. Ymir was curled up in an armchair, looking bored. Jean was standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed and apparently listening to Marco.

“What about him?” he asked, just to say something. He couldn't stand the silence with Reiner.

“We met on the Internet like a year ago. We became good friends and when he said he wanted to come and live in England, I invited him over. It was weird at first but we get along quite well. Now, we both need to start a new life.”

Again, there was this shadow on Reiner's face. Bertholdt bit his lips pensively. He wanted to ask his friend how he was doing but he lacked the strength to do it. He was already tired by his day at work and Marco's betrayal. But he promised himself to ask. Next time. When the time would be more opportune. At this moment, he just wanted to go out, just get out of this flat and have some fresh air. He waved at Ymir. When he got her attention, he gestured her to come to him which she seemed more than happy to do.

“Yo Bert! Who's your friend?”

“Oh...” Bertholdt turned several times to Reiner then to Ymir, then back to Reiner before settling back. “This is Reiner, we've been friends since we were kids.”

“Hmm... So how come I never heard about him?”

Reiner smirked and offered his hand to Ymir.

“We haven't seen each other in a while. But I'm back in town now, so...”

Ymir took the hand that was offered. Bertholdt saw her squeeze it hard and couldn't help an eyeroll. She would do exactly the same thing when Historia was introducing her to some guy and although he was flattered that she was protecting him, he didn't think he needed protection to begin with.

“Bertholdt has many friends now, you know. Friends that love him a lot.”

Reiner didn't flinch. Instead, his grin widened.

“That's good. But I believe that what Bertl needs is the right person. He's not the kind of guy to value quantity over quality.”

Bertholdt looked at the two of them disbelievingly. Were they even aware that he was still here? He cleared his throat loudly.

“Anyway.”

They seemed to acknowledge his presence again and let go of each other's hand. He relaxed a little.

“I was going to suggest that we escape from this place.”

Ymir nodded approvingly but Reiner pouted, looking slightly annoyed.

“I can't ditch Jean, he doesn't know anyone. Hell, he doesn't even speak English that well. And we came with Annie, we can't leave without her.”

Bertholdt grimaced. He had hoped to have some time alone with Reiner. He decided to remain silent though and just nodded. Ymir was smirking victoriously which seemed to infuriate Reiner. She patted him on the shoulder.

“Sorry, mate. It was nice meeting you though.”

Reiner didn't even bother to reply and she didn't seem to care. Instead, he turned towards Bertholdt and hugged him briefly.

“So do you want to go out for a beer tomorrow evening?”

Bertholdt agreed. He gave his phone number to Reiner and put him in charge to give his car keys to Marco. Since he was ditching him, the least he could do was leaving him the car. After one last smile to Reiner, Ymir and Bertholdt left discreetly.

“Wait, what about Historia?” Bertholdt asked when they arrived down.

Ymir didn't look concerned.

“I've texted her. She'll be fine. So do you want me to walk you home?”

Bertholdt didn't always understand Ymir but she was his friend so he had decided a long time ago to ignore her eccentricities. He took her arm and the two friends started to walk in the dark.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Marco is a bastard and Bertholdt stands up to Reiner

Monday 4th September

When the end credits started, Marco pressed the pause button before the next episode could start. Bertholdt stretched his legs before getting up, his body completely sore after several hours in the same position. The kitchen was only a couple of steps away but it felt like miles. When he finally reached the fridge, he stopped to look at his roommate. Even before he had moved in, Bertholdt had always liked the space in Marco's flat. The apartment opened on a spacious kitchen, big enough to hold a table where they could have dinner parties. The wall separating it from the living room had been put down, leaving only an arch with exposed beams. The room was organised around a huge sofa, an armchair (that Bertholdt had claimed as his own) and a TV set. The absence of other furniture allowed the light to fill the flat and even when the weather was particularly bad, they hardly needed to turn on the electric lights.Two doors in the living room area gave on Marco's bedroom and Bertholdt's. The flat even had a small balcony. The view wasn't that great (the back of a building) but Bertholdt enjoyed reading there on summer evenings.

“You sure you don't want anything to eat?” he asked.

Marco looked up from his phone, seemed like he was about to say yes but instead shook his head.

“Nah. Just beer. I ate too much at lunch, everyone felt the need to bring food from their holidays or something, we ended up with two paella, one Sauerkraut and a whole bunch of French cheeses.”

Marco was a German teacher in a secondary school. It was actually his first year as a qualified teacher although he already knew the school. He had done one of his placements and his NQT year there, in the most multicultural school of England, as he liked to put it. From the way he spoke of his foreign colleagues and his decided taste for travels, Bertholdt had gathered that he enjoyed being the only English teacher in the modern foreign languages department. Bertholdt didn’t care much about travels. As a child, he had discovered in his books a way to see new places and worlds. It was enough for him.

“There's just one beer left. Wanna share?” Bertholdt said after having searched the almost empty fridge.

Marco agreed and after having opened the bottle, Bertholdt joined his roommate back on the couch. He crashed next to him and offered him the first sip. Despite having done absolutely nothing all day, he felt positively exhausted and the sole idea of having to go back to work the next morning depressed him greatly. Not that Bertholdt didn't like his job. On the contrary, he loved working at the library, sharing his favourite books with total strangers and recommending reads to lonely elders, he was also fond his office that he had decorated with taste and he enjoyed being the one in charge of buying new books, deciding which subjects and stories the public would like the most. But the work lately had been crazy as hell and with the curator position being open to applications, Bertholdt had been working double to even have a chance to get the promotion.

“You wanna watch another episode?” Marco asked as he passed him the beer.

Bertholdt declined. It wasn't even nine yet, and usually he would agree but he just wanted to go to bed, read a bit and just sleep.

“But you can keep watching if you want.”

Marco looked offended at the sole idea. He wasn't really into scary stuff and he had only started to watch _Stranger Things_ because Bertholdt had insisted.

“Yeah, no, it's too scary for me to keep watching without you.”

Bertholdt rolled his eyes, amused. He didn't find it particularly scary but then again, he was used to watch horror movies every Friday evenings with Reiner. Freaky Friday, as Reiner used to call it, had been a tradition they both had respected. At least until Bertholdt had left for London.

“Please Bertholdt, you have to protect me from the Demogorgon,” Marco pleaded and Bertholdt couldn't help a chuckle.

Bertholdt had spoken with Marco about the party at Connie's. Marco had apologised for tricking him there and Bertholdt had apologised for ditching him, they had hugged and the matter had been forgotten.

“Oh by the way, I forgot to ask: how was the night with Reiner? You did come back late, I didn't even hear you,” Marco asked, suddenly looking serious again.

Bertholdt wished he could say that he had gotten home late because they had done a lot of exciting things – talking, getting drunk, or whatever at this point. But the truth wasn't so exciting. Reiner had picked him up at nine and they had hit the pub. Bertholdt had been rather excited to spend some time with his long lost friend but things had been quite awkward. Seven years of radio silence had dug a hole between them and Bertholdt had found it wasn't that easy to cross that gap. They had started with small talk about the weather, about Bertholdt's job, about Marco and Jean. None of them had dared ask personal questions. They had been like complete strangers and it had hurt. Their lives had gone in completely different directions, they didn't have anything in common anymore apart from reminiscing a past that was long gone. It was sad. Bertholdt had never thought he and Reiner would grow apart so much, as children they had made a pact to be friends forever. It was silly, of course, but Bertholdt had kept remembering this pact as he was unable to ask Reiner the things that really mattered. How are you? What happened to us? Why didn't ever answer my calls? Why did you push me away? Bertholdt had wanted really bad to ask, he had dragged the evening with the hope that he would get brave enough to ask. But in the end, he had given up, just like he always did.

“You know. Catching up,” he answered.

“So, he and his friend Jean will be staying around for a while?”

Marco had this expression on his face. Bertholdt knew that expression. He dreaded that expression because it was saying that his roommate had a crush and when Marco had a crush, it usually didn't end up very well. Either the guy turned out to be straight or a bastard. Sometimes both.

“He's cute,” Marco continued, and Bertholdt wasn't sure who he was talking about. “Handsome face and his body... all this muscle. I'm pretty sure he works out.”

Bertholdt blinked slowly.

“Are you … Are you talking about Reiner?”

Marco licked his lips and nodded and Bertholdt almost choked on his saliva.

“Huh... I'm pretty sure that Reiner is straight, you know.”

Marco pouted.

“If you say so. He's still hot though. Not really my type but I wouldn't say no to a one-nighter -”

Bertholdt threw a cushion at him. Ok, Reiner was not exactly ugly but he wasn't hot, or cute, or sexy, he was just Reiner and imagining his roommate and childhood friend having a one night stand was more than Bertholdt could withstand. Not that he would mind. They could do whatever. He just didn't want to know about it. And in any case, Reiner wasn't into guys. Marco threw the cushion back at him with a laugh.

“Relax Bertholdt, I was just messing with you.”

Bertholdt tried to look offended but he was kind of relieved and did a poor job at hiding it. Marco was a great guy, most of the time. But he also had his moments and messing with Bertholdt appeared to be one of his favourite hobby. In those moments, Bertholdt wished he was like Annie, or Ymir, or even Mikasa. No one would even think about messing with them. He sipped a bit of beer and put the bottle on the coffee table.

“By the way, Reiner's got rugby tryouts Friday evening. I said I would come. Maybe you could join us, it could be a nice evening out. We'll go for booze after. That'll be fun.”

Bertholdt didn't add that he didn't want to find himself alone with Reiner again. He wasn't sure he could go through the awkwardness again. Not alone anyway. Marco nodded and Bertholdt smiled, relieved.

“Cool. I'll tell him to pick you up here, I'll meet you guys there directly after work.”

“It's a date, then.”

Bertholdt stuck his tongue out and after having said goodnight to Marco, he went into his bedroom with his book.

***

Friday 8th September 2017

The four glasses banged against each other as they all cheered. Bertholdt brought the liquid to his lips only for a few seconds though. They'd barely finished the first pint and he could have waited some more time before starting the second, but Reiner seemed to be in a hurry to get drunk. And who could blame him, really? The tryouts had gone particularly well for Reiner whose experience on the field and sturdy morphology had put at an advantage. In the end, Jean had also joined them and the four of them had entered the first pub they had found.

“To Reiner, whose tackles will soon be legendary.” Marco cheered.

Reiner grinned, his cheeks already red. Bertholdt wasn't sure if it was because of the compliment or because of the alcohol. Either way, it didn't matter. It was nice seeing Reiner in such a good mood. Marco kept complimenting him under Bertholdt's attentive stare, dedicating himself to his favourite pastime. Or so Bertholdt thought. How could he be sure whether his roommate was just being nice or if he was trying to get Reiner into his bed for the infamous one-stand he had mentioned earlier that week?

“Bertholdt?”

He turned towards Jean, surprised. The man had never spoken directly to him and it felt a bit weird, also because Jean had a very strong accent and pronounced his name “bear-told”, in a very nasal way. It was kind of funny, actually.

“Reiner tells me you and him were very good friends in the past.”

Bertholdt agreed. He didn't know where Jean was going but he tried to keep an eye on Marco. He didn't want to turn around for even one second and find him and Reiner kissing passionately. He knew that the chances of that happening were ridiculous but it bothered him a lot nonetheless.

“Yeah. We used to be but we kind of drifted apart, you know.”

“Ouais but maybe he will listen more to you.”

Marco was touching Reiner's biceps and Bertholdt couldn't help but roll his eyes. His roommate was flirting and by the looks he was throwing at him, it became clear to Bertholdt that he was doing it to annoy him. He had to put an end to that but before he could do anything, Jean tapped him on the arm, a heavy frown on his face.

“Can you listen to me? It's important.”

Bertholdt blushed. It wasn't his habit to ignore people and he looked down, shameful, his whole attention devoted to Jean.

“Sorry.”

“I told you that Reiner hasn't taken his médicament, comment vous dites? Medicine?” Bertholdt nodded, a bit confused. “Ouais so since we arrived in London, sometimes he takes the medicines but sometimes he doesn't take them. I tried to talk with him but he tells he's fine.”

Bertholdt covered his mouth with his hand, pensive. What meds? The expression he had glimpsed in his friend’s eyes came back to his mind. He looked at Reiner who was still chatting with Marco.

_What happened to you, Reiner?_

Without noticing it, he began to bite his nails, a clear sign of stress. He wished he were alone with his friend right now in a quiet place. He had so many questions, so many worries and the joy of having him back in his life faded. He swallowed slowly. He wanted to ask Jean what he knew about this but before he had the time, Reiner caught his stare and grinned. Bertholdt tried to smile back, without much success.

“Hey Bertl! Marco found me a job.”

Bertholdt raised an eyebrow and shifted his attention to his roommate.

“We're looking for a rugby coach at school.” he explained. “It would be part-time, during lunchtime and after school, but he doesn't need to have a teacher training. Just experience working with kids.”

“Yeah, I've worked a couple of summer at a camp. Kids love me.”

 _That's new_ , Bertholdt thought. He had no idea that his friend was good with children and it bothered him : he felt left out. He knew it was selfish, but there it was, eating his heart. Kids couldn't love him. The Reiner he knew didn't give a shit about children. But then again, the Reiner he knew wasn't taking any meds.

“Cool!” he said with a forced smile. Yet, he was conscious that he didn't sound happy. Reiner noticed and scowled but Bertholdt looked away. He couldn't stand to face him right now. In all those years apart, he had made his peace with the resentment he felt towards Reiner. He had forgiven him, for pushing him away and for all the things Bertholdt had never been able to tell him. But he could feel it come back to the surface, he could feel his anger battle its way back and he didn't want that. He didn't want Reiner to know how bad he had felt, he didn't want Reiner to know that his selfishness had caused him more pain than he could ever imagined. Focusing on Marco, trying to speak French, and Jean, was a better alternative.

“Wait, there is another thing I know how to say.” Marco said. “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?”

Bertholdt smiled. Even him knew that it was cliché as hell. Jean seemed to think the same because he rolled his eyes in the most annoyed manner.

“Do you even know what that means?” Jean asked.

Marco looked offended.

“Of course I do!”

“I don’t.” Reiner intervened, arms crossed. “I took Spanish at school.”

Bertholdt doubted that even if he had chosen French in year 7 he would have learned something like that. He looked at his friend and the crooked smile he received, made him look away again. Everything about him seemed to annoy him - his ignorance, his expression, those stupid glasses and that silly beard. It wasn’t _his_ Reiner.

“It’s a fancy way to say ‘Do you want to have sex with me.’” Marco explained. 

Jean scoffed.

“Ah oui, so all you can say in French is dumb things you learn in school or things borderline vulgaire.”

Bertholdt didn’t get to see Marco’s reaction to that. He felt Reiner move his chair closer and he knew he couldn't ignore him anymore – Reiner had a tendency to become quite insistent when he had his mind set on something.

“You ok, Bertl?”

No. When he turned towards his friend, his face was expressionless.

“I didn't know you liked kids.”

This made him angry and he didn't even know why. Reiner didn't seem to notice. Either that, or he was ignoring it and this made Bertholdt even more furious. He suddenly felt like punching Reiner and that scared him a little. He wasn't usually violent but he'd been ignored for the last seven years and that was it. That was where he drew the line. He'd lasted almost a week before demanding explanations, that was a miracle.

“But then again, I don't know anything about you anymore.”

He could see it had hit Reiner and felt satisfaction. Reiner bit his lips and looked away. He didn't look happy anymore. Bertholdt knew he should feel guilty about it but he couldn't even manage that. He leaned towards Reiner, his fist tight on his glass of beer.

“I called you countless times, you never ever picked up. I've sent you thousands of texts. You never answered. You cut us, you cut me, out of your life, Reiner, and you never even said why.”

At this point, Bertholdt expected some kind of explanation but Reiner just stayed silent.

“Did I say something back then? Did I do something?”

Reiner looked down and sighed deeply.

“It's complicat-”

“No. Don't tell me it's complicated. Just tell me why, please.”

Bertholdt was aware that Marco and Jean were looking at them now. It felt overwhelming, all this attention. He wanted to go somewhere quiet and just talk with Reiner because maybe he did have a good explanation for disappearing from his life like that. Bertholdt would hear it. He would hear anything.

“I'm sorry, Bertholdt.”

 _Yes, me too_. Bertholdt got to his feet. Only five minutes before they had been all having a good time. Now he just wanted to cry. He guessed that was as much shit as he could take without blowing up. He took a few steps away, Marco behind him.

“You know Reiner, when Annie broke up with me, it wasn't even half as painful as what you did to me.”

*

The journey back home was made in complete silence. Bertholdt was aware of Marco, sat very close to him in the taxi and looking at him with worried eyes. He knew that he wanted to talk, ask him how he was and what all that had been about, but Marco remained silent and Bertholdt couldn't be more grateful. He didn't want to talk. It had taken him years to take control of his own life and he hated that for a second back there, he had lost it. But it could have been worse. He had stumbled, he hadn't fallen. But he was overwhelmed with guilt. That angered him even more because he knew he was right being mad at Reiner and yet, he couldn't forget his friend's sad eyes. He knew something had happened to Reiner during those seven years, his conversation with Jean had given him the confirmation, and Bertholdt would selfishly like to know what it was. He wasn't even worried about him, just jealous that a total stranger seemed to know more about him than him, his best friend.

They arrived at home. Marco paid for the cab and Bertholdt rushed up the stairs, unlocked the door and headed straight for his bedroom. He knew it was rude and that he should have probably waited for his roommate but he didn't want to talk. He removed his coat and shoes and let himself fall on his bed. _The War of the Worlds_ was like staring at him from his night table but Bertholdt looked away. He was too agitated to read. Instead, he took his phone out. He scrolled through his contact, stopped on Reiner's name. Waited. He wanted to call him to apologise, he almost did. But stopped himself before he could press the little green phone on the screen. Instead, he scrolled up and stopped at Annie's name. She knew how he felt, after all she'd been pushed away by Reiner as much as he had. She would probably find the right words to cheer him up, give the best advice – screw the bastard. That was what she had said when Bertholdt had tried to call for the thousandth time, just to be ignored. Bertholdt sighed. He couldn't call Annie. They weren't friends anymore. They were nothing. Bertholdt lay down, his knees against his chest. He had lost the two most important people in his life. He closed his eyes.

A light buzz against his thigh brought Bertholdt back to the present. He rolled on his side, grabbed his phone and looked at the screen. A text from Reiner.

**I know you're probably mad at me. I guess I had it coming. You'll probably give me the silent treatment, so I'll leave you alone for a couple of days but I'm not ready to give up on you yet x**

Bertholdt read the message several times, each time a little more infuriated by Reiner's ability to predict his behaviour. How come he was so predictable when he wasn't even able to guess what was in his friend's mind? That looked a bit unfair to him. He started typing a text, just to prove him wrong – he wasn't going to ignore him. But he realised that it was probably what Reiner had been planning when he had written this. Frustrated, he put the phone on his night table and took his book. After all, being given a taste of his own medicine would only do Reiner good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marco turned out to be more of a bastard (and OOC) than I had originally planned but it was fun to write. The "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi" thingy comes from there : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgLSeBPfVNM


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where everything becomes complicated

Thursday 14th October 2010

_“Hey Bertholdt, pass me the crisps.”_

_A blow to his ribs makes his jump and distracts him from the screen of his phone. He turns towards Annie, confused, to find his girlfriend looking annoyed._

_“What?”_

_“The crisps - Nevermind.” She sighs._

_Without much consideration, she pushes him to get to the bowl of crisps on his side of the couch. Bertholdt barely registers her and looks down at his phone again, scrolling through dozens of unanswered messages. Hardly one minute later, Annie catches his phone, making him whine in the process._

_“Reiner again?” she asks._

_He can hear_ exhaustion _in her tone but chooses to ignore it. It’s no secret that she isn’t as patient as he is, especially when Reiner is involved. The pair doesn’t really get along and Bertholdt knows very well that they keep putting on with each other only for his sake. If he hadn’t been there, they would have probably ended up killing each other - or maybe something less dramatic like drifting apart. He’s grateful_ though : _Annie Leonhart and Reiner Braun are the two most important people in his life, he doesn’t want to lose either of them because they’re too different to get along._

_“I've tried to call him again this afternoon.”_

_He can feel that Reiner is slipping away from him and he can’t help but wonder if he’d been as important as Reiner had let him believe. His ego is hurt but it’s nothing compared to the gap his best friend has left. Annie takes his hand and brings it to her mouth to kiss it. She’s not usually the kind of girl to display affection (Bertholdt has made his peace with it) but when Reiner is involved she tends to be nicer as if she already knew he was wasting his time on him._

_“Do you think I should go back this weekend?” Bertholdt asks, almost desperately. “Just to check on him. Or maybe call his mum... Just to make sure he's ok.”_

_She throws him a dark stare and lets go of his hand._

_“Bertholdt stop. We've tried everything to reach him, he clearly doesn't want us anymore. Just let it go.”_

_He doesn't say anything to that. He knows she's right, naturally, and yet it doesn't make giving up on Reiner any easier. He lets several minutes pass before heading for the bathroom. He feels weak for caring and worrying and he doesn't want to give Annie any more material to judge him. He sits behind the locked door and rests his head on the wood, eyes closed. Reiner has always been a part of his life and he can't just believe that fifteen years of friendship just ended like that, in silence and ignorance. It hurts inside – he feels like throwing up, his stomach is twisting too much as the memories rush in his mind. He wants to lie on the floor and cry but he doesn't do it. Even_ through _the pain, he's still very conscious of what Annie would say if she saw him like this. He takes his phone instead and calls Reiner. He needs to give him one more try, he needs to have some kind of closure on this. It rings again and again and Bertholdt is not even surprised when nothing happens. He hangs up. That was the last effort he would make, the last time he would try. He stares at his phone, maybe hoping that Reiner would call back, maybe too tired to care. He gets back to his feet._

***

Friday 15th September 2017

It took Bertholdt a whole week before he even considered replying to Reiner. He would have done it before, actually he wanted to wait just a couple of days, but things had been rather busy at work and he just never had the time nor the strength to even think about what he would say to him. And before he knew it, it was Friday again and Marco was getting ready to go on a date.

Bertholdt sat on the couch, looking at his roommate tame his hair. He had planned a cosy evening for himself – Netflix and pizza. He might even answer Reiner's message, maybe make some plan for the next night.

“Is he picking you up?” he asked Marco.

He shook his head, looking at his watch with a sigh.

“We're meeting at the restaurant.”

Marco put his coat on and headed for the door.

“Be careful.” Bertholdt reminded him.

Marco waved and smiled and one second later, he was gone. Bertholdt stared at the door for a while and sat back in the couch. He moved to grab the remote but stopped his movement mid-air. Suddenly, the nice evening he'd planned didn't seem so appealing. He briefly closed his eyes, swore under his breath, and reached for his phone instead. His anger at Reiner had faded during the week and now he just missed hanging out with him and before he knew it, Bertholdt was smiling.

Damn.

**Netflix and chill?**

Bertholdt waited five minutes for an answer and as it wasn’t coming, he decided to go and have a bath.

As he slipped in the hot pink water (Marco was kind of crazy about bath bombs and would very generously let his roommate use them), Bertholdt began to regret having written this message. He couldn’t just act like nothing had happened, they would have to talk about the elephant in the room at some point. But he wanted to chill and somehow, having Reiner around had seemed more relaxing than watching some silly movie alone. He sighed and submerged his head in the water. His reckless behaviour was making him feel even more stressed than he had been and he couldn’t even back out now. When his lungs were about to explode, he put his head out of the water and took long deep breaths meant to calm him down. It worked. For about ten seconds, then he started panicking again about talking with Reiner. And what if it got awkward again, like the first time they had gone out for a drink?

Bertholdt stretched his arm to check his messages but his hand met nothing but air. He had forgotten his phone on the couch. Well, that gave him plenty of time to think about what he would say to Reiner. He could demand an explanation, refuse to see him until he got it but it seemed hardly fair. Or rather, Bertholdt doubted he would be able to stick to his threat. Besides, he realised he couldn’t force him to tell him anything (he wasn’t keen on using torture on Reiner, not yet). He was also very aware that he might start apologising as soon as Reiner came through the door. He had a tendency to always make his best to please him and needed to have more self-esteem than that. He didn’t have anything to apologise for. He had to make sure to keep that in mind and not lose his countenance the moment Reiner would come in.

The ring of the intercom put an end to his thinking. He raised an eyebrow, considering his two possibilities : get out of the bath and answer or simply ignore it. He was pretty sure that Marco had taken his keys with him. It could be Reiner but Bertholdt doubted it. It hadn’t been that long since he had sent the message. Besides, one of their neighbours had the bad habit of forgetting his keys every other day. He was the kind of man to ask for favours (cigarettes, mostly) on a daily basis and Bertholdt would do his best to ignore him. He chose to lay back and keep relaxing. It rang again but Bertholdt closed his eyes. He couldn’t help but feel annoyed, he hated insisting people. 

The person tried again a couple of times and the flat fell silent again, to Bertholdt’s greatest pleasure. He finished by washing his hair and got out of the water. He took the time to dry himself and looked at the mess that was his hair in the mirror. He considered the possibility of combing but dismissed the idea. He liked it like that in fact. His dishevelled hair dripping on his shoulder, he put on sweatpants and a tee and left the steamy bathroom.

When he finally looked at his phone, thirty minutes after sending the message, he had a lot of unread texts, all from Reiner.

“Whoopsie.”

**Always ;)**

**Wait, no. I know you, you’ll fall asleep on me.**

**Beer and pizza, instead?**

**I bring the booze.**

**And the pizza.**

**Where R U?**

**Let me in !!!!!!!**

**I'm cold**

**Bertl?**

**BERTHOLDT NOT FUNNY**

As he finished to read, he heard a knock on the door and rushed to open. He felt guilty for ignoring his friend but he hadn’t thought Reiner would just jump in the first bus and come over. He opened the door to Reiner who had obviously found his way up there.

“Sorry, I just saw your messages,” Bertholdt apologised. “I was having a bath.”

Reiner shrugged and saw himself to the fridge where he put the beers.

“No sweat. Want one?”

“I'll share with you, if you don't mind. I don't really feel like drinking tonight.”

Reiner left one bottle out of the fridge and opened it. Bertholdt joined him next to the kitchen table where they stood for a moment in an awkward silence. Bertholdt felt like he should say something about what had happened the last time but he was too afraid to start apologising if he opened his mouth. So, he just ended up staying there, standing uncomfortably in his own kitchen, looking everywhere except at Reiner because he could feel his eyes on him. The silence was broken by the sound of a chair rattling as Reiner pulled it to sit down. Bertholdt did the same and took the beer Reiner was giving him, while being careful not to look at his face. He was conscious that the whole situation was stupid, he shouldn't have been the one feeling so uncomfortable and it annoyed him deeply.

“So how have you been doing?”

Bertholdt usually didn’t like small talk. He had always thought that one should only speak when one had something to say but in this particular occasion, he was relieved to hear Reiner ask him about something so trivial.

“Busy, actually. You?”

“I've sent my application for the coaching job this afternoon. I should hear from the school next week, maybe have an interview.”

Ah yes, the job at Marco's school. The information had somehow slipped away from Bertholdt's mind and it also reminded him of another piece of information he had forgotten – his conversation with Jean. Bertholdt bit his lips. He should really ask about this meds business, the moment was perfect but he couldn’t manage to open his mouth to speak. The words were there, on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t utter them and he started to sweat. He ended up looking away, taking a long sip of beer and putting his worry at the back of his mind.

“You really want that job, don't you?”

Reiner gave him an excited look and Bertholdt couldn’t help but smile. His friend's joy was contagious, just like it’d always been.

“What happened to your dream of becoming a professional rugby player?”

Reiner's smile faded. He took the bottle of beer from Bertholdt's hands and drank most of it in one go.

“Well... That didn't work out. And I'm too old now.”

“Come on! You're not old.”

Reiner chuckled and patted his hand.

“Bertl, I'm twenty-six. Believe me, in the world of professional sports, it's already too old.”

Bertholdt shrugged. He was basically clueless about sports. His parents had tried to enroll him with the local basketball team when he’d been a child, but he had taken a ball right in the face after only five minutes and had come home crying, swearing he wouldn't touch a ball in his life ever again. After that, PE classes had been a real nightmare, especially when Annie and Reiner were very good at it.

“You know what? It doesn't matter. It was just a childish dream anyway. We didn’t become princes of the universe.”

Reiner was trying to take the whole thing lightly, but Bertholdt knew him enough to know that it was a big deal for him. His smile was forced, his voice was shaking, his eyes were dark. It broke Bertholdt's heart.

“Bertl?”

Bertholdt raised his head and for the first time, they looked into each other's eyes. A warm feeling invaded his body and he felt the last threads of resentment just vanish like ice in the sun.

“I've been meaning to ask you. Well... It was never the right time but … what happened between you and Annie?”

He looked down again and started fidgeting with his fingers. He didn’t want to talk about that. Marco had asked him several times, Bertholdt had never really answered. He just didn't want to go through that, he didn't want to think about it – well, he had thought about it quite a lot, but it was better to keep those thoughts to himself. He wanted to give the same answer to Reiner but couldn’t bring himself to it.

“She didn't tell you? I thought she was the one who had contacted you.”

“She didn't contact me. I run into her a few weeks ago. She was back home to visit her dad and we went to have a coffee. She told me you two had broken up, but she didn't give me any details. She just said I should talk to you.”

Bertholdt didn’t like the idea of Reiner and Annie meeting behind his back. Well, not really behind his back, but the thought was making him uncomfortable nonetheless. He wondered what they had talked about.

“She's the one who broke up with me,” he explained as Reiner just looked surprised. “Things were pretty normal for me and I didn't notice anything. Well... Thinking about it after, she did become more distant. I guess I was too busy at the time to notice. And one evening, she … just told me that we should end things.”

“Did she say why?”

Bertholdt took another sip of beer. Annie hadn’t been particularly clear when she had given him her reasons. But he had thought about it a lot and the conclusion he had reached wasn’t pretty. On the contrary.

“She just said that things weren't working out, that they hadn't in a while and that she had been foolish to even believe that we could be together.”

“I'm sorry Bertl,” Reiner pressed his hand but Bertholdt didn't look up. He had never told anyone, not even Ymir, but it was different with Reiner. Reiner wouldn’t judge him. When he spoke, his voice was shaking.

“You know... I've never said that to anyone but I wasn't devastated or angry. I was relieved. I … At first I was shocked of course, but after that … I was just so relieved, Reiner.”

Bertholdt clumsily got up. He couldn’t stand to remain in the same position, he was too restless and agitated because he'd never said that out loud before and it made his stomach twist. He started to walk around aimlessly, just to relieve the tension but Reiner got up too and brought him close to him, preventing him to move frantically around. Bertholdt was uncomfortable at first and he would have liked to pull back but Reiner's breathing and his heart beating regularly somehow comforted him.

“I think it was comfortable being with her and I didn't even notice. I don't love her, I don't think I ever did, but it was familiar having her around and I just kept going, lying to myself, lying to her. And I've taken seven years of her life, Reiner. Seven years. I can't bear to look at her anymore. I'm just a … monster.”

Reiner brought him closer and the hug felt good. Bertholdt closed his eyes, allowing his tears of guilt to run freely down his cheeks. It was comfortable to be pressed against his friend, to have him so close again, to feel his chest, and arms and legs against his own body. They had always hugged, even when they had reached puberty. Things could have become weird – cuddling another man was not exactly what society expected from them but even then, they just didn't care. Reiner was a touchy person, Bertholdt wasn't but he had grown accustomed to having his friend so close to him and Reiner had been the first person he had felt comfortable touching. It had changed with Annie, of course, but even with her, he had never reached the same level of comfort.

“I've missed you.” he breathed in Reiner's ear.

His friend's face was resting on his shoulder. Bertholdt looked down at his blond hair, the tip of his ear, his neck. He kissed him on the top of the head, softly. He liked the contact of his friend's hair on his lips so he did it again, several times, slowly moving toward his ear which he kissed too. He felt Reiner tense up against him and wanted to pull back to apologise. He didn't know what had come to his mind but he realised that it was weird and probably not what friends should do. But Reiner tightened the hug, bringing him even closer. Bertholdt felt slightly confused, but Reiner's arms around his body were too strong and he enjoyed it too much to really want to struggle away. And he was obviously not the only one enjoying it. Bertholdt opened his eyes wide and froze in shock. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, he couldn’t help but think that if they were in a movie, he would say something cheesy like : “ _Do you have a gun in your pocket or are you just very happy to see me?_ ” Of course, Reiner didn't have a gun in his pocket and what he felt brushing against his thigh was something he would have never expected to feel.

Bertholdt was also very aware that Reiner knew he could feel... it and he just didn't know what to do. He knew he should have pulled back, forced his way out of Reiner's embrace and just joked about it. But he was fascinated by the touch. He wanted – no, he needed – to feel more of it. His hand was shaking as it slowly slid down Reiner's back. It stopped before he reached his ass, just for a second though, and it grabbed the firm butt. Bertholdt heard Reiner gasp and curiously moved his hand between their two bodies. A little voice in his head told him to stop right now but he ignored it and searched for the growth in Reiner's jeans. When he found it and cupped it through the denim, Reiner moaned and Bertholdt knew he shouldn't have found that hot but the fact was, it turned him on a little bit. He should have been panicking by now, asking himself what this was all about and how he could even be turned on by Reiner's erection, but he just didn't care. He wanted to feel more of his friend, he could worry about the implications later. He moved back a bit, careful not to look at Reiner's face, just enough to unbutton his jeans. Bertholdt put his hand there and was surprised to find that it was warm in there. He started caressing Reiner. The fabric of his boxers was soft and Reiner moaned some more, a sound that Bertholdt found endearing. He felt himself become hard too but didn’t pay attention to that just yet. He removed his hand from Reiner's jeans, just to be able to pull them, along with his boxers, down to his knees. He took a moment to look at his friend, cheeks flustered and his own breathing at bit irregular. Then he took him in his hand and as he started moving up and down, Reiner let his head fall on his shoulder, panting.

Bertholdt was surprised when his friend grabbed his groin. He stopped his movements to let Reiner bring his sweatpants down and take him in his hand too. Bertholdt pushed him against the kitchen table and rubbed himself against Reiner. He didn't know what he was doing, he just longed for this, for feeling Reiner against him, for the pleasure it gave him. He closed his eyes, his head lolling down and he moved faster and faster around his friend. The sudden jerk from Reiner's hips, the cry of pleasure and the wetness in Bertholdt's hand, surprised him. But after a second hesitation, he knew he was too close to his own climax to stop now and he finished himself off.

They stayed motionless, bodies pressed against each other and breathing heavily for a long time. Bertholdt didn't dare move. He wasn’t sure of what had just happened, he couldn't bring himself to acknowledge that he had just masturbated his former best friend. Reiner was the one to react first. He pushed him gently to put his boxers and jeans back up. Bertholdt couldn’t stand to look at him. After having dressed again, he moved slowly backwards, his face hidden in his hands.

“Bertl. C'mere.”

He felt Reiner getting close to him, take one of his hand to make him look at him.

“Reiner. I'm … I'm sorry. I... I...”

“It's ok.”

He wanted to talk very badly, explain himself, put his actions on the account of momentary madness but all he managed was stammering random words. Bertholdt felt himself turn crimson and would have loved to just disappear. He thought about storming out but remembered this was his flat and the absence of place to retreat scared him. He felt trapped and ashamed and confused because he shouldn't have liked it as much as he had and couldn't help but think about Annie.

“Bertholdt, calm down.”

Reiner's voice was steady and it helped him relax a bit.

“It's ok. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We both had a great time, it doesn't mean we're in love, you know.”

Reiner grinned and Bertholdt couldn’t help but smile too. He knew his friend was right. It was the twenty-first century, not the bloody Dark Ages, he could have meaningless sex with his friend without making a big deal of it. He sighed deeply. Marco always said that a person's sexuality was not fixed. People had attractions of course and some would just sleep with one sex, or even one type, but for most people, sexuality was more fluid. Bertholdt had not really understood what he had meant – until now his sexuality had been Annie. But it all made more sense now. He didn't love Reiner, not romantically speaking. But it didn't mean he couldn’t have a good time with him, release the pressure. It was easier too because he knew Reiner so well (or at least he used to) that it almost felt like coming home after a very long journey.

“You're right. Sorry for panicking.”

“No worries. You know, I don't want things to get weird between us, so just tell me if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Like things were not already weird. Bertholdt nodded though. He appreciated the thought. Soon, he felt that he couldn’t stand there anymore. He needed to do something, anything, and he reached for the bottle of beer that had miraculously stayed up on the kitchen table. It was almost empty though and he got another one in the fridge.

“I'm hungry. You want a pizza?”

Reiner agreed and as if nothing had happened, they resumed their evening – pizza and beer on the couch.

***

Sunday 1st October 2017

Bertholdt fell on his back, panting. He listened for noises in the flat but as he had expected, it was completely silent. Marco wasn’t back from his drink with Jean. He smiled, appreciating the after feeling the orgasm had left in his body, and turned on his side. Reiner was looking as peaceful as he did with his eyes closed and his mouth half open.

He observed him for a moment, following the shape of his face with his eyes, down to his strong chest, his stomach. He blushed as he kept looking down. He liked Reiner’s body in all his manliness. He was the first one surprised by it but he had gotten over it fairly quickly. Having sex with a man was different than making love to a woman. Not worse, not better, just not the same and he enjoyed both. He wasn’t sure if that made him bisexual : he liked having sex with Reiner, it didn’t mean he was in love with him. He didn’t know and it didn’t matter. The point was for him to reconnect with Reiner and relax, not to start a relationship.

Reiner had insisted on taking things slowly and Bertholdt had to admit he’d been a great teacher, always making sure that Bertholdt was comfortable with what they were doing and guiding him. So apparently, he wasn’t that straight. Bertholdt had thought about Marco and his will to sleep with Reiner. It had made him laugh.

Having casual sex was new for Bertholdt – the only person he had had sex with being Annie – but he found that it was doing great for his mood. He wasn't so tired all the time, any social event was not such a nightmare anymore and most importantly, he wasn't constantly mad at Reiner. He had tried to talk to him about what had happened between them but Reiner had kept eluding the question and Bertholdt had deduced that he wasn't ready to talk yet.

Reiner opened his eyes and smiled lazily.

“You want to have a shower together?”

Normally Bertholdt would have said yes. He had discovered that he somehow loved cleaning Reiner, but a look at the time killed the prospect of round two. Marco would come home anytime and if Bertholdt wasn’t ashamed of his relationship with Reiner, he didn’t want it to become public knowledge. He liked the secrecy of the thing, he liked that it was just between them. Besides, Marco was friends with Annie. He couldn’t take the risk of her finding out.

“Sorry. I don’t think we have the time.”

Reiner looked disappointed. He rose on his elbow and put on his glasses to scan the room for his pants. When he spotted them next to the door, he got up and started to get dressed again. Bertholdt observed him. He sometimes felt slightly guilty throwing Reiner out after they had sex but it was part of their agreement. No sleepover, no feelings involved. They were both fine with that.

“You want to come over tomorrow? Marco will be at work all day, we can have that dirty shower. If you still feel like it.”

“I can’t. I’m starting my new job at school tomorrow, remember?”

Bertholdt searched his memory. Reiner might have mentioned it earlier, when he had gotten here, but Bertholdt had been too horny then to really listen to what his friend was saying. He smiled apologetically.

“Oh yes, sorry. That’s great news.”

Maybe Bertholdt was a bit jealous that Reiner was going to have less time to give him. Maybe he wasn’t as happy for him as he should have been. His disappointment was short lived though : the smile on Reiner’s face was worth any dirty shower in the world. He had no clue what Reiner had been up to professionally in those seven years but he seemed very hyped about this job and Bertholdt wasn’t selfish enough to not feel happy for him.

Bertholdt quickly put on some clothes as well and accompanied his friend to the door where they briefly hugged before Reiner left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Ymir doesn't like Halloween and Reiner confesses

Sunday 22nd October 2017

“Wait! You don't like Halloween?”

Bertholdt looked up from his book, alerted by the sense of utter shock in Reiner's voice. Reiner loved dressing up – the most ridiculous the better – and apparently, he was taking Ymir's lack of enthusiasm for this particular holiday like a personal offense.

“What's the point of pretending to be someone you're not?”

“The point?”

Reiner turned toward Bertholdt, obviously looking for support, but Bertholdt simply shrugged his way out of this one. He liked Halloween for the spooky atmosphere but he wasn’t very keen on dressing up anymore. Which was obviously not Reiner's case, judging by his outraged expression. Bertholdt was vaguely aware that he’d been talking about planning a Halloween party but he didn’t know the details. He had been too engrossed in his book to care.

“I think what Reiner means is that it's nice to be someone you admire for a night,” Historia stepped in.

Reiner gave her a huge, thankful smile.

“Exactly! Besides, it's just fun.”

Ymir mumbled something about not having the same definition of “fun” but Reiner and Historia were too hyped discussing their party to hear her. She just shook her head disbelievingly and joined Bertholdt who put his book on the coffee table. He made some room for her on the armchair and she nested right next to him. They struggled a moment before finding a position that accommodated their long legs.

“Things seem to be going well between you and Historia,” he noticed, once they were settled.

She looked towards her girlfriend with a smile.

“Yeah. I think I'll ask her to move in with me.”

Bertholdt opened his mouth, surprised and happy at the same time. He knew Ymir wasn’t the commiting type. Her asking Historia to live with her was a huge step.

“Ymir! Wow! That's great!”

“What about you? How have you been?”

Bertholdt sighed and looked at Reiner.

“I'm good, actually.”

“Are you just saying that because you don't want to talk about it?”

That was something he liked about Ymir : she knew when not to insist and she was the only one he had told that, no he wasn't ok, without fearing to be asked a million times to talk about it. She respected that and expected the same from him.

“No. I'm really good. I'm moving on, I think.”

She smirked and followed his gaze to Reiner.

“I'm glad to hear. What about him?”

Bertholdt blushed and looked away. No one was aware of his thing with Reiner and even if he trusted Ymir to keep a secret, he just didn't want to tell anyone. It was between the two of them, he didn't want to spoil it by letting anyone else into the secret.

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know. You're the one staring at him like he's some kind of messiah.”

“I don't stare!” Ymir raised an eyebrow and he knew she was about to roast him but Reiner's excited voice caught their attention.

“We could carve pumpkins and put them on the counter over there!”

He gestured towards the kitchen and Bertholdt suddenly realised that Reiner wanted to have this party here. In his flat. He raised his hand, like a child at school asking for permission to speak.

“Excuse me? Maybe we should ask Bertholdt before deciding where to put the pumpkins.”

His offended voice had no effect whatsoever on Reiner. He just laughed and moved on, ignoring Bertholdt’s eyeroll.

“Actually, it's Marco's flat,” Ymir pointed out. “Maybe you guys should ask him before planning a party.”

“Where's Marco anyway?” Historia asked.

Bertholdt shrugged. He hadn't seen much of his roommate lately and he was convinced that the responsible was Jean. They seemed to spend a lot of time together but when Bertholdt had asked about it, Marco had failed to give a proper explanation.

“He's out with Jean.”

The other three started devising all at once, first about Jean, then back to Halloween, then to something else but Bertholdt's mind was already far away. Mentioning Jean had reminded him of the conversation they had had more than a month ago and the burning fact that Bertholdt still hadn't done anything about it.

He'd observed Reiner, though. A lot. And he was convinced that something was going on but he hadn't been able to find out what. Ymir got up but he barely registered it. He felt a bit sick for not having asked yet and couldn’t help but think what a terrible friend he was. He briefly closed his eyes before taking his decision. He was going to ask this evening. As soon as the girls left, he would ask. That was the least he could do.

Historia and Ymir stayed an hour more, or so, but Bertholdt hardly participated in the conversation. With every minutes, he grew even more nervous and when they were finally gone, he was just a ball of nerves, ready to explode. Reiner cleared the mess – he seemed to feel pretty comfortable in this place, enough to know where everything went – and when he was done, he took Bertholdt to the bedroom, apparently not finding odd that his friend was just standing there in the middle of the room.

“You wanna shag?”

Reiner was always blunt. Bertholdt usually liked it but this time he shook his head and sat on the edge of his bed.

“No. I'd rather talk, if you don't mind.”

Reiner took place next to him, looking a bit surprised.

“Sure. What do you wanna talk about?”

“You.”

Reiner didn't say anything. Bertholdt waited a few seconds before deciding that his friend was not going to open up.

“Look, I'm not pressuring you. Believe me, I understand if you don't want to talk about it. Take your time, ok? But I won't give up. I know it's not about me anymore, I'm not mad at you. I just know that something is wrong and I worry.”

They stayed in silence for a long time. Bertholdt thought that Reiner was going to leave (that was what he would do in this situation) but he just remained there, staring at the floor with his jaw and fists clenched. Bertholdt would have liked to touch him but he refrained himself. It was probably not the best thing to do at the moment so he waited. He had no idea of what was going on in his friend's mind and it was killing him slowly.

“I didn't call you back and I didn't answer to your messages seven years ago because after you and Annie left for London, I nearly died.”

Reiner's voice had been no more than a whisper and Bertholdt wasn’t sure of what he'd heard and of what he thought he’d heard implied.

“I failed all my A-levels,” Reiner continued, relieving Bertholdt from having to say anything. “I was allowed to take the exams again during the summer, and I failed again. I didn't have anything to do, anywhere to go. I just couldn't see the point of getting out of bed, so I stopped and after a while, the effort became too much anyway.”

Bertholdt blinked. He opened his mouth but didn't say anything. What could he say to that? He had known that Reiner had failed the A-Levels, it wasn’t a secret but he had thought that he would go to university anyway. A-Levels were a bonus, not compulsory.

“I spent months like that. I barely went out. I spent all my time in bed sleeping and eating until …” Reiner’s voice broke. Tears filled his eyes and it scared Bertholdt because Reiner never cried. When he was hurt, he would joke about it and move on. When he was sad, he would swallow his feelings and move on. It was like seeing another person, another Reiner who was more vulnerable. More human. “Well… until I convinced myself that everything would be better off if I … wasn’t there anymore.”

Bertholdt hadn’t noticed he had opened his mouth and eyes wide in shock. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It had to be a joke. But even Reiner wouldn’t joke about something as serious as that.

“My mum found me in time and she got me to the hospital. I stayed there for months. I spent Christmas there and I heard that you and Annie were back in Marley to see your parents.”

Bertholdt remembered his first Christmas back home. He had gone to Reiner's mum, asked about him. He had hoped to see him and talk but he had been away with some friends. Or so Bertholdt had been told.

“I asked her to lie,” Reiner said when Bertholdt asked about it. “I didn't want you to see me like this.”

Bertholdt couldn’t help but feel offended at that. Had he been such a poor friend that Reiner had chosen not to rely on his help to go through this?

“I started to feel better eventually. The drugs helped, the shrink too. And I was finally allowed to go home. I tried to take control back of my life and it worked. For a while. But that’s why I came to London, there’s nothing good for me in Marley.” He paused. Bertholdt swallowed with difficulty. How Reiner had been able to go through this alone was a mystery. “I never had such bad episodes after that. I actually had some good times. But the depression is still there, lurking in the dark.”

The depression. Bertholdt searched in his memory, looking for clues back in school that could have pointed him in the right direction. But the Reiner he remembered was joyful, always joking and laughing and he couldn't believe that this had happened to him of all people. But then again, this had been seven years ago. Maybe there had been signs after all and he had been too self centered to notice. A wave of guilt rushed over him. He was Reiner's best friend, the person he was the closest to. He should have noticed. Bertholdt looked down at his hands. He felt like crying – he had imagined several reasons for the disappearance of his friend but depression had never been one of them – but he held back his tears. The moment wasn’t about him. It was about Reiner trusting him enough to tell him his darkest secret. Yet, he couldn’t shake from his mind this image of his friend lying in bed, hurting himself and wanting to die.

“I'm sorry, Reiner. I should have known, I shouldn't have waited for you to come to me. I should have seen it.”

“Don't beat yourself up, please. Depression is an invisible disease. It's not about crying all the time, it's about putting a mask and pretending. There's nothing you could have done.”

Bertholdt wasn’t convinced but the last thing he wanted was to argue with Reiner now. He looked up at him and bit his lips.

“Reiner, are you still taking your medication?”

“Yes.”

The lie was short, the voice didn't shake, the expression was stern. If he didn't know better, Bertholdt would have taken his word for it.

“Reiner.”

Reiner was avoiding his gaze. Bertholdt sighed and Reiner ended up shaking his head, resigned.

“Jean told you, didn't he?”

Bertholdt didn't bother to answer. He waited for Reiner to give an explanation because he didn't know what to say. Could he just force him to take the drugs? Did he even have that right?

“I've been feeling so good since I've arrived here, Bertl. It's almost like being … normal again and I want to keep this feeling going. I don't want to go home in the evening, after having spent a great time with you, to be reminded that I'm so messed up I can't even live without those bloody pills.”

What was Bertholdt supposed to say to that? He didn’t know anything about depression but he was convinced that if the shrink had put Reiner under medication, there must have been a good reason, even if his mood had improved in the last few weeks.

“Ok,” he began, and he wasn’t really sure where he was going yet. “Tomorrow evening, after school, you'll come over and you'll bring your meds with you. You'll leave them here so you don't have to think about it when you go back home, you can just be that normal guy again who’s just spent a great time with his pal.”

“I'll have to come here everyday though.”

That wouldn't be tragic, Bertholdt thought. He could do with seeing Reiner everyday, especially if it meant making sure that he was doing ok. Besides, more Reiner meant more sex and he had to admit to himself that he was a bit selfish on this one.

“I could live with this.” He smiled.

Reiner grinned back and with a deep sigh, rested his head on his friend's shoulder. Bertholdt passed his arm around his waist and they stayed in this position for a long time. Bertholdt actually heard Marco come back at some point, but it seemed that Reiner hadn't heard – or more likely, he didn't care – and Bertholdt settled to ask him how his afternoon out with Jean went later.

“Thanks Bertl. I'm glad you're back in my life.”

Bertholdt kissed his temple. He hated seeing Reiner like that - weak and vulnerable. Reiner was supposed to be the strong one, he seemed always sure of himself and comfortable and happy. He wasn’t perfect, Bertholdt was well aware of his flaws, and wasn’t even close. But he didn’t deserve that.

Reiner lied down on the bed. He looked tired, as if this conversation had drained him of all his energy. Bertholdt lay next to him and brought him close to his chest in a warm embrace. He never wanted to lose sight of his friend ever again, he wanted to keep an eye on him at all time and make sure that he would never hurt himself again. They gazed into each other’s eyes. The shadow Bertholdt had seen before was still there, making Reiner’s eyes look darker, but there was also something else, some kind of adoration and gratitude. Reiner had carried this weight alone for so long, Bertholdt couldn’t even begin to imagine how relieved he was to finally share his burden. A faint, reassuring smile appeared on Bertholdt’s mouth. He wanted him to understand that it was ok, that he wasn’t broken, he was still Reiner. They were still friends.

Just like that, Reiner kissed him. Bertholdt was surprised at first. They had already kissed during sex, but never like that. It remained innocent. Bertholdt let it happen, unsure of how he felt. Reiner was probably upset, he didn’t know what he was doing. Bertholdt really couldn’t blame him.

When they separated, Reiner was smiling. It wasn’t his usual grin, but it was there, discreet but real. Bertholdt smiled back. Mission accomplished.

***

Tuesday 31st October 2017

“Sugar!”

Marco waved dismissively at Sasha. He was a patient man and Bertholdt didn’t remember ever seeing him get angry, but Sasha in a kitchen could become quite intense and it seemed that she had succeeded in annoying him. That had to be a first. Marco put his coat on, moaning about the fact that it was going to ruin his make-up, and left with Jean.

“Bertholdt!”

He jumped and turned towards her, fearing to be her next victim. Sasha was looking menacingly at him with a whip in her hand and Bertholdt judged safer to take a step back.

“Give me the butter!” she ordered. “And get the hell out of here, you’re in my way!”

Bertholdt did as he was told and made himself scarce. It didn’t matter that it was his kitchen, he was ready to give it up to Sasha’s madness. He briefly wondered how the people working with her were putting up with her constant bossing around before deciding that he didn’t care. He would never have to work with Sasha and he was grateful for that.

He joined Ymir on the balcony - the farther away from their cook, the better. She’d been exiled there a while ago. She had come earlier with Jean and Sasha to help prepare the party, the others had arrived progressively and now the only two missing (besides Marco and Jean) were Reiner and Historia. She had put a blanket on her shoulders and was looking at the sky.

“Can I join you?”

“Bert, it’s your house. You can do whatever you want.”

He shrugged and sat on the bench that Marco had installed there. Connie, Eren, and Armin were in the bathroom, putting their costumes on. Sasha was already dressed up as a werewolf (making her bossing around in the kitchen even creepier). Marco had spent hours on his zombie makeup, successfully making it look like half of his face had been eaten away. Ymir, Mikasa, and Bertholdt had stuck together in their decision not to wear any fancy dress.

They sat together in comfortable silence for a while, listening to what was happening inside. It was mostly Sasha swearing and Eren and Connie arguing about whose costume was best. Please don’t ask us to decide, Bertholdt silently pleaded. He hated to have to choose between his friends. The commotion grew even louder when Marco and Jean came back from the local Sainsbury’s with sugar. Jean sided with Connie and Sasha (he and Eren didn’t really see eye to eye for a reason that remained obscure to Bertholdt), Armin and Mikasa took Eren’s side while Marco was trying to settle them down without much success. Ymir looked away from the sky to stare judginly at their friends inside.

“Look at those morons.” Despite her words, her tone was fond, confirming Bertholdt’s suspicion that she was a huge softie inside.

“By the way, where’s Historia? Weren’t you guys supposed to come together?”

“Yeah but she had to see Reiner for their matching costumes, or whatever.”

Bertholdt didn’t know that Reiner and Historia were having matching costumes. Somehow, he couldn’t help but feel a tad jealous. Not that he wanted to wear matching costumes. He just didn’t want anyone else to do it either.

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

She raised a sceptical eyebrow and crossed her arms with a crooked smile.

“I don’t see why it should.”

“Come on! You get extra jealous every time a guy gets close to her. Reiner is going to see her _change_. You should be mad.”

It was true. Ymir was the ultra possessive kind of girlfriend. But it didn’t seem to bother her this time, she even patted him on the shoulder confidently.

“Sweetie, I’ve got nothing to worry about because Reiner is gay.”

Bertholdt stared back at her defiantly. Reiner was maybe gay, or maybe not. Bertholdt didn’t even care. But no one else was supposed to know and the fact that Ymir had reached this conclusion scared him a little because who was to tell that she hadn’t figured out other things? Things that Bertholdt wasn’t ready to share. He didn’t even need to say anything, she shook her head, looking at him like an adult about to explain something very clear to a stubborn child. He didn’t like that.

“It’s pretty obvious. Just everything in him screams ‘GAY’.” It wasn’t that obvious for Bertholdt. “And I saw him check some guy’s ass once. He literally licked his lips. I don’t know what more you need.”

Ok, that sounded a lot like Reiner. Bertholdt almost rolled his eyes but decided against it. Ymir would notice and that would definitely give him away. He bit his lips instead. Ymir was back to observing the sky and Bertholdt was torn. If she already knew that Reiner wasn’t that straight, maybe he could tell her their secret. It would be nice to have someone to talk about.

“Actually…”

Bertholdt was interrupted by more noise coming from inside. They both looked through the window to see that Reiner and Historia had finally arrived. They were both dressed up as characters from Pirates of the Caribbean by the look of it, but Historia was Jack Sparrow and Reiner was Elizabeth Swann. Ymir’s girlfriend looked badass with her sword and red bandana and Reiner looked flamboyant in his huge golden dress and luxuriant wig. Ymir’s point was made.

Bertholdt brought his hand to his mouth, to hide both his surprise and laugh. That definitely made the whole dressing-up thing a whole lot funnier. They both went back inside to greet the new-comers. When the agitation about Reiner and Historia’s big entrance had faded, Reiner disappeared in Bertholdt bedroom, after having waved at him to follow him. Bertholdt waited five minutes but it seemed that no one had noticed Reiner’s getting away and he joined him, careful to lock the door behind him.

Reiner was lying on the bed, on his side, passing his fingers through his fake hair. Bertholdt chuckled and stood at the door, arms crossed. He didn’t want to admit that he was turned on by it. Reiner tapped the mattress next to him in a provocative manner.

“You wanna fuck Elizabeth Swann?”

“Maybe later,” he choked.

Reiner batted his eyelashes and pouted.

“Will Turner, my body is ready. Make love to me.”

Bertholdt coughed as he turned crimson. Reiner’s high-pitched tone finished to convince him. He normally wouldn’t have agreed to have sex when their friends were in the next room but if they were quick and quiet, they could pull this off. Reiner rolled on his back, allowing Bertholdt to straddle him. Bertholdt couldn’t help but notice that Reiner was even wearing fake boobs, a pretty unnecessary addition to his costume. He started by getting rid of those and bent forward to bite Reiner’s lips without kissing them. He wanted to play with him. Each time Reiner was trying to kiss him, he would raise his head a little and move his hips right in his groin. He played this game for a little more but, conscious that time was playing against them, decided to opt for a more efficient way to turn Reiner on. He went for his neck, alternating kisses and bites, and caressed his way up his friend’s leg. He was surprised, and a little bit more aroused, to find that Reiner wasn’t wearing anything under that dress. Reiner smirked.

“I thought you’d like this.”

Bertholdt couldn’t help a blush. He loved that alright. He lifted the dress, deciding that it would take too long to take it off, revealing Reiner’s erection. He stroked him some more.

“Oh yes Will! Keep doing that.”

Bertholdt giggled. How was he supposed to focus if Reiner kept speaking in that ridiculous tone? He shut him up by putting his hand on his mouth but didn’t leave it long. His underwear were already getting wet and he had to remove them to ease the pain between his legs. With that done, he took the lube and a condom from his drawer and took position between Reiner’s legs. They didn’t have the time for more foreplay.

He prepared him with his fingers, making extra sure that Reiner wasn’t getting too noisy, and when he gave him the good to go, Bertholdt put on the condom and penetrated him. The tightness around him sent shivers down his spine. He battled with the dress that kept getting in the way of Reiner’s mouth and finally gave up kissing him.

It didn’t take long for Bertholdt to come. He bit his lip to the blood not to moan and let himself fall on Reiner. Before he could rest, he took him in his hand to finish him off.

“Wait …” Reiner panted. “The dress. We can’t mess it up.”

Bertholdt got to his feet, took the first thing he found (a beach towel) and spread it on Reiner stomach to protect the dress from incriminating evidence. He then proceeded to masturbate him and it wasn’t long before Reiner came too, biting his hand. They took a moment to gather their wits, resting on each other. Bertholdt felt a wave of regrets and apprehension hit him. What if the others had heard? He got up, cleaning himself with the beach towel and put his pants back on. Reiner observed his dress carefully before declaring that their honour was safe. He put his wig back in place as well as his boobs and after having checked one last time that they were clear, they went out of the room.

The others were all watching a movie and the TV being next to Bertholdt’s bedroom door, they were greeted by nine pairs of eyes. Bertholdt froze at the door.

“What were you guys doing in there?” Connie asked suspiciously.

“Bertl was helping me to put my boobs properly.”

Several giggled at that. Reiner smirked, exhibited his cleavage for good measure and found a spot on the sofa. Bertholdt started by following him before changing his mind and headed for his armchair that Ymir had viciously stolen. He didn’t want to stand next to Reiner, he had the impression that everyone would figure out what they were doing just by seeing them together. Ymir moved a bit to make him some space and they finally managed to settle comfortably. Halfway through the movie, she discreetly sniffed him, raised an eyebrow and said : “You smell like sex.” Bertholdt was too mortified to answer.

When the film came to an end, Sasha left for the kitchen (after having specifically ordered not to be followed) to prepare her crèmes brulées. Everyone started to stretch and refill their glasses with this horrible orange drink that Reiner had found for Halloween. Bertholdt and Ymir remained comfortably in the armchair. It had taken them long enough to finally find a comfortable position to move now. Besides, Bertholdt was already dozing off, exhausted yet relaxed by his moment with Reiner.

“So?” Ymir started. “Are you going to tell me what is up with Reiner and you?”

Bertholdt sighed and opened his eyes. He couldn’t see the point of denying anything now.

“Yes, we’re having sex.”

Ymir raised a triumphant eyebrow. She looked at Reiner who was helping Sasha in the kitchen. Curiously, she didn’t seem infuriated by his sole presence and had even allowed him to give her a hand. Bertholdt suspected he had charmed his way into this one.

“So what was all the Reiner-is-not-gay thing before?”

“I don’t know. It’s just sex, it’s not like we’re in love or something.”

Ymir looked sceptical and a little bit … offended?

“You know what? I can’t believe that you, of all people, are having a casual affair. When I wanted to take you to a strip club after Annie broke up with you, you got all prude on me, you selfish bastard.”

Bertholdt smiled at the memory. Ymir had insisted it would do good to his mood and Bertholdt had kept refusing. He couldn’t see the interest in having some girl strip in front of him, apart maybe make him super uncomfortable.

“And by the way, I don’t believe in loveless sex,” Ymir noted. She tried to change position but all she could manage was to kick him in the ribs. He groaned and wriggled in the armchair to leave her more space, and she ended up putting her legs on his lap. “I hope you’re comfortable because I am.”

He wasn’t. One of his legs was twisted under his butt but when he informed Ymir, she shrugged and dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

“Back to loveless sex. One of the two always develops feelings for the other, the feelings are never reciprocated, it ends up in drama and murder.”

Bertholdt rolled his eyes. His leg was slowly dying.

“Real life isn’t a movie, Ymir. I swear to you, there are no feelings involved and we’re both fine with it.”

“Hun-hun. If you say so.”

“I say so.”

They stared defiantly at each other for a while until Bertholdt’s mouth started to twitch. He knew he was about to start laughing but he had to hold on just a little bit more. They were usually acing the staring-at-each-other contest, but it took only a couple of minutes for Ymir to start giggling. Bertholdt imitated her, relieved.

“Ok. It wasn’t my best game but I can’t stop thinking about you and Reiner having sex with that awful dress and us in the next room.”

Bertholdt’s laughter died suddenly. He grimaced and looked away, too mortified to look at her. Ymir raised her hands triumphantly.

“I always win the make-Bertholdt-uncomfortable game!” she gloated.

Bertholdt freed his trapped leg, pushing her down the armchair in the process without feeling any guilt. It did the trick though. She stopped laughing and threw him a death stare and when he wasn’t looking, she viciously jumped at him, smiling like a crazy person and cutting his breath in the process.

“Don’t underestimate me, Hoover.”

He coughed and was getting ready to retaliate when Sasha subrecticely caught them by the ears, taking them both by surprise.

“When you two are finished acting like children, the crème brulées are ready.”

Everyone was staring at them, either with a sorry expression or an amused smile. It made Bertholdt blush and killed his enthusiasm instantly. Ymir succeeded in freeing herself from Sasha’s grip but Bertholdt didn’t even try. She eventually let him go by herself, not looking as pissed as she had sounded.

“Sasha, you’re a real mood killer, you know that?”

Ymir complained. Sasha didn’t bother to reply and everyone gathered around the coffee table to try her dessert. As he was eating, and noting again that Sasha’s cooking was amazing, Bertholdt noticed Eren and Reiner chatting. In the last couple of months, Eren had seemed to develop a platonic crush on Reiner, seeing in him some kind of brotherly/hero figure. He was always keen on asking him for advice and tips and Reiner seemed more than happy to help. If Bertholdt was hearing correctly, Reiner was agreeing to privately coach Eren to allow him to join the rugby team next September. Bertholdt felt a bit puzzled at that. In all the years, he had known him, Eren had never shown the slightest interest in rugby. He didn’t even have the right body : he was thin and frail and was giving the impression that Reiner could just break him in two very easily.

Bertholdt sighed. It wasn’t his problem but he was worried that Reiner was doing too much. He had always been too eager to please and knowing his current mental state, overdoing was probably not the best idea. But then again, he didn’t know enough about depression to give his opinion.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Reiner confesses. Again.

Sunday 16th May 1999

Here we are! Born to be kings! We’re the princes of the universe!

_Lying there, on the carpet of Reiner’s bedroom, it doesn’t feel like they are princes of the universe. It doesn’t feel like they are anything._

_Bertholdt sighs. He’s bored to the bones. The Galliards, Marcel and Porco’s parents, have offered to take the four boys to a trip to the beach but Reiner is grounded and Bertholdt would never have even considered going without him. He’s lucky that Karina Braun, Reiner’s mother, has a soft spot for him and has let him spend the Sunday afternoon with her son, provided that they don’t go to play in the small front garden._

_“Remind me, why are you grounded again?” he moans._

_“It’s because of that stupid fight with Porco. The head teacher called our parents. Mum was mad.”_

_Reiner looks down, looking ashamed. Bertholdt knows he doesn't feel bad for punching Porco but everything he does is for his mother, a vain attempt to please her, and her being called in the head teacher’s office for something as low as her son fighting with another child must have been humiliating._

_Bertholdt still lacks maturity to understand the bond between Reiner and his mother but he’s good at observing people and he’s starting to understand how his friend works. He knows enough to have noticed that Reiner and Karina’s relationship is fundamentally different from the bond he has with his own mother. Reiner’s all life revolves around his mother : he works hard at school to impress her, he’s nice to everyone and he tries so hard to please schoolmates and teachers alike (Porco being the only exception). Bertholdt doesn’t understand this obsessive need to be the perfect son. He’s not a bad kid himself and knows that his own parents don’t have anything to complain about ; he’s not burdened by this need for approval because it’s quite clear for him that they’ll love him no matter what. They are his parents, after all, and if it has always seemed obvious to him, he’s starting to understand that not everyone is that lucky._

_“So I’m grounded,” Reiner continues. “And Porco is allowed to go the beach. How unfair is that, huh?”_

_The Galliards have always been too lax. Since Marcel, the eldest of the two brothers, has become friends with Reiner and Bertholdt, Porco seems to resent the loss of time spent with his brother. He’s fine with Bertholdt though but he seems to bear a grudge against Reiner and the relationship between the two boys has slowly deteriorated in the last few months. Bertholdt and Marcel try to temper the situation as much as possible but they can’t always be around and it was only a question of time before Porco’s teasing and mocking finally got to Reiner._

_“Mrs Galliard offered us to come along though,” Bertholdt points out. He suspects that this trip has been an attempt to reconcile the two boys outside of the school environment but Karina’s stubbornness had killed this prospect._

_“Why didn’t you go? You didn’t need to come here, I’m the one who’s got ‘anger issues’, whatever that means.”_

_Bertholdt shrugs. He doesn’t want to say that it’s because he’d rather be bored with Reiner rather than spend the afternoon at the beach with Marcel and Porco. He would probably never hear the end of it. He makes up an excuse (“I’m allergic to the sun.”) without thinking that it would lead to years of Reiner making sure he doesn’t stay in the sun too long, until Bertholdt finally confesses it had all been a lie._

_They fall silent again. Bertholdt can hear the birds singing outside and Karina cleaning the house. He stares at the ceiling without seeing the mould spots and the irregularities. He wishes they could at least go outside, in the small unkempt garden and pretend to be explorers in a hostile country. Reiner is usually a warrior or a soldier, depending on his mood, and Bertholdt is a scientist, always carrying around dozens of books (which are usually Reiner’s homework because books are way too heavy to carry around). Bertholdt was contemplating the idea of playing inside when Reiner’s voice brought him back to the present._

_“We could be princes of the universe.”_

_Bertholdt lazily raises his head from the carpet. He fails to see how that could be possible and suspects that the boredom had finally gotten to Reiner’s head._

_“Huh?” is the only thing he bothers to ask._

_“Like in the song.”_

_Bertholdt rolls on his stomach and puts his chin on his palm. Reiner is lying on his bed, head down on the carpet. It makes Bertholdt grimace. He’d woken in this position once, light-headed by the rush of blood in his brain, with a headache that had lasted all day. He wants to tell him not to keep his head down but remembers that Reiner doesn’t like to be told what to do so he keeps his mouth shut. Reiner is strong like that. He knows what he wants and there’s no reason he won’t get it. So if he decides to become prince of universe, there’s no reason he shouldn’t succeed._

_“Imagine that,” Reiner adds. “No one could tell us what to do, no teachers, no parents. We could even marry the girl we want or even marry each other.” Bertholdt sticks his tongue out. He doesn’t want to marry Reiner, that’s gross. “And if I’m at the top of the world, Mum would be so proud of me.”_

_Reiner’s head has turned red and he finally seems to feel discomfort because he raises it and lies on the bed in a normal position. Bertholdt considers his friend’s idea. He wouldn’t want to be at the top of the universe on his own : he wouldn’t know what to do and wouldn’t dare to boss other people around. But if it’s with Reiner, then it’s worth it._

_“And maybe Annie would like to be my girlfriend.”_

_Reiner nods approvingly. He slides down his bed and sits next to Bertholdt on the carpet._

_“We should make a pact.”_

_He rubs his chin before grabbing a stained piece of paper from his schoolbag (a piece of math homework, it seems) and a pen. He sticks his tongue out as he writes in big capital letters : PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE, REINER BRAUN AND_ BERTORLT _HOOVER._

_“Hey! It’s not how you write my name!” Bertholdt complains. He takes the pen from Reiner’s hand and rewrites his name properly. Reiner sighs annoyingly and steals the pen back._

_“So what is the first rule?”_

_Bertholdt thinks about it for one minute before raising his finger._

_“We should have a time limit. When the hero goes on a quest in books, there’s always a time limit, like ‘you have until the next full moon to free the princess or she will turn into a three-legged gorilla.’”_

_Reiner plays with the pen, his brow furrowed in intense concentration._

_“Ok, but the next full moon is too vague.”_

_“Maybe we could say something like : ‘we will be princes of the universe before we’re forty.’?” Bertholdt suggests but Reiner shakes his head._

_“No, forty is ancient. Let’s make that twenty-five.”_

_Bertholdt doesn’t mention that his dad is forty and he’s not ancient, thank you very much. He looks as Reiner writes down :_ 1) Reiner Braun and B. Hoover will be princes of the universe before the age of 25.

_“Hey! Why you didn’t write my name?”_

_Reiner shrugs._

_“Your name is too complicated. Bertholdt.” he grimaces. “It’s even difficult to say. I think I’ll call you … Bert!” he grins. “Yes. That’s much better, Bert.”_

_Bertholdt crosses his arms and looks away, sulking. Reiner has been fine calling him by his name until now and he doesn’t see why that should change. Besides, he doesn’t like Bert. It sounds old and harsh and it’s not his name. He makes a point not to look at Reiner while he keeps talking until his friend finally notices his lack of reaction._

_“You don’t want to be my friend anymore?”_

_With the line that has formed on his forehead and his pursed lips, Reiner looks upset and Bertholdt realises that he never wants to not be friend with him. Reiner is like the brother he never had but he needs to make his point clear._

_“I don’t like when you call me Bert.”_

_Reiner moves closer to him. He looks so sad, like a puppy left outside under the rain, that Bertholdt forgives him almost straight away._

_“If I stop calling you that, will you be my friend again?”_

_Bertholdt nods and smiles. He’s got an idea._

_“You remember my granny?” Reiner says yes. She has died a few months ago, marking Bertholdt’s first encounter with death and with the fact that people could go and never come back. It has scared him out of his wits and he_ has _worried that his parents would die, that Reiner and Annie would leave and that he would find himself alone. He doesn’t want any of them to disappear. “She used to call me Bertl. She was the only one, but I give you this name. You can use it.”_

_“Bertl…”_

_Reiner grins proudly and raises his chin. They share a handshake and add more clauses to their pact, on a piece of paper destined to disappear within two weeks._

***

Friday 10th November 2017

Rugby matches were a bore. Rugby matches in November were a nightmare. As he was shivering under several layers of clothes, Bertholdt hated sports in all its forms just a little bit more. But it was Reiner's team first big match this season and he couldn't have possibly said no to those puppy eyes. He hadn't gone down alone, though. He'd taken Marco and Jean with him, who in turn had brought Connie, Sasha, Eren and Mikasa along. Ymir had been crystal clear on the matter – she wasn't spending her Friday night freezing when she could be cozy at home with Historia. Bertholdt couldn't really blame her.

Marco, Connie, Sasha, and Eren seemed to enjoy themselves quite a lot, although Reiner's team was losing. Jean didn't seem to care either way and Mikasa had stopped following the match a while ago. She caught his eyes and raised an eyebrow. Bertholdt looked away. As far as he could remember, he had never found himself alone with Mikasa, they had never really talked. He knew her through Eren, he knew she was still studying to be a family lawyer after having spent a gap year in Japan with her mum’s family, he knew she was brilliant because Eren wouldn’t shut up about it. But that was pretty much it. He knew her without really knowing anything about her and this was making him uncomfortable. He looked at her again, to make sure her attention had shifted to something or someone else but she was still observing him and Bertholdt had no other choice but smile faintly. She didn’t smile back but took it as an invitation to come and sit next to him. Bertholdt looked around for providential help but it seemed it would just be the two of them and he couldn’t help but be a little scared. He had no idea of what he could tell her.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They both looked down and Bertholdt briefly wondered why she had come to him if she didn’t have anything to say. Maybe she was just as bored as he was and had hoped they would be able to talk their boredom away. She had obviously come to the wrong guy.

“Annie is worried about you.”

He looked up at her with his brow furrowed. Ok, he hadn’t expected that. Maybe coming from Reiner, it would have made more sense considering they were basically roommates but Mikasa? The two women didn’t exactly get along as far as he could tell. For some obscure reason, they had always been rivals and had made a good job at ignoring each other for years.

“She asks a lot about you and I never know what to answer. So are you ok, Bertholdt?”

Why Annie would worry about him was beyond Bertholdt but the fact that she had sent Mikasa to talk to him was kind of infuriating.

“Well, you can tell Annie that I’m fine, thank you very much.”

He hadn’t meant to sound so bitter but the case of Annie Leonhart was still sensitive. Mikasa raised an eyebrow, unmoved.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

She got up, ready to go back next to Eren.

“Mikasa, wait. Since when are you and Annie on speaking terms?”

She sat back, looking distractingly at the pitch. Bertholdt followed her glare. Something was obviously happening. He instinctively searched for Reiner and spotted him talking (arguing?) with the referee.

“Not long.” He looked back at her. She was still looking down. Bertholdt suspected that she had no idea either at what was happening down there but remembering it was Mikasa, decided not to draw any conclusion. She was full of surprises. “We got to speak quite a lot at Connie’s party. The day Reiner arrived.”

Bertholdt remembered seeing the two women talking most of the evening together. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time - he had been too busy catching up with Reiner - but now that he thought of it, it should have raised his curiosity.

“You look … happier since he got here.”

Bertholdt blinked several times, wondering for half a second if she was talking about Reiner and worrying that somebody else had noticed. She knows, he thought, alarmed before admonishing himself. She said he looked happier, not that she had any clue about what was happening. He forced himself to take a deep breath to calm his heartbeat.

“Ah! … Do I?” he mumbled.

“Yes.” She paused. “But I’m not sure I should tell Annie about that.”

“Huh? Why?”

He regretted having asked the moment the words escaped his lips. But it was too late. Somehow, he knew what she was about to say, because he had felt it too, but he wasn’t ready to hear it. It would put too many things into questions and he wasn’t ready yet. For now, it was comfortable and that’s all he wanted.

“Because you never looked so happy when you two were together.” And there it was. The big ugly truth Bertholdt was too scared to acknowledge. He chuckled to hide his embarrassment and Mikasa was clever enough to know better than insisting. She smiled faintly and put her hand on his shoulder for one brief second. It was enough for Bertholdt to get the message : this would stay between the two of them, they didn’t even need to ever talk about it ever again. He smiled back, gratefully.

“What about you?” he asked. “Are you happy?”

She looked at him with a puzzled expression, the first and only time he would ever see her look so befuddled. It was the look of someone who had never been asked that question before and it made him a little sad. He promised himself to pay more attention to her in the future : Mikasa was maybe a strong independent woman but she was a human being nonetheless.

She shifted her attention to Eren and something intensely sad passed in her eyes for a short moment.

“It’s complicated.”

He wanted to say something deep and meaningful, he wanted to make that sadness go away, but nothing came up. They weren’t that kind of friends.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked back at him.

“Don’t be. It’s ok.”

They nodded. As abruptly as it had started, this conversation was over. Mikasa went back to Eren, Bertholdt went back to wishing he had taken a book with him before deciding to try and follow what was happening. For Reiner.

He didn't quite understand what was happening on the field, but he knew enough to realise that his friend's team was being roasted and he did feel a tad bad for Reiner. After what felt like an eternity, the match ended with the defeat of Reiner's team. As everyone was starting to head towards the exits, devising about this heavy failure, Bertholdt went down to the pitch to see Reiner before he went in the changing room. He found his friend sat on a bench, legs spread and wiping his face with a towel. When Bertholdt called his name, he looked up, defeated, but a thin smile appeared on his lips.

“I'm sorry you had to see that, it was awful,” Reiner said as he got up.

“It wasn't that bad.”

Even Bertholdt knew that it was a lie but they both chose to believe it.

“Me and the guys are going for a drink, we don't have much to celebrate so it'll probably be short, but do you want to join us?”

Bertholdt bit his lips. He did feel like staying with Reiner but being with a whole new lot of strangers didn't sound that appealing. Besides, he already had plans.

“Huh... I said I would go out with my friends. We'll go to a pub and maybe have something to eat somewhere.”

Reiner looked disappointed and Bertholdt couldn’t help but feel guilty. He reached to touch his friend's hand but stopped his gesture.

“But you know, if you want to join us later ...” he started.

Reiner nodded dismissively and looked towards the changing rooms.

“Ok. Well. I'll keep you posted then. See you later Bertl.”

With that, Reiner was gone and Bertholdt stayed there for a minute, taken aback by his friend's harshness. He followed him with his eyes until he had disappeared inside before briefly closing his eyes and sighing. He felt tired. It'd been another long week, he would have another big day at work the following day and if he didn't regret his decision to help Reiner with his medication, it was a bit overwhelming nonetheless. Besides, he had this ball of worry in his stomach that didn't seem to want to go away and it kept getting bigger every time he and Reiner parted. After having passed his hand on his face, he left and joined his friends outside.

They settled into a bar near the centre. It was crowded but the atmosphere was friendly and warm and after two hours freezing outside, it was most welcome. The match was at the centre of the attention for the first part of the evening until someone finally asked Marco what was going on with Jean. The two men eluded the question and the conversation shifted to Sasha's new job. Bertholdt tried to listen but he couldn’t help looking at his phone, waiting for Reiner to write to him. He hoped his friend would join them later but his behaviour earlier made him think that the chances were really slim. When everyone started laughing, he realised he hadn't been listening one bit and took his phone out of his pocket. If he was going to be distracted, there might as well be a good reason for it.

**Everything ok?**

The answer came nearly ten seconds after, leading Bertholdt to think that Reiner had been waiting for him to text first.

**Bored.**

He started to type an answer. He wanted to ask him what was wrong, if his bad mood was simply due to his defeat or if Bertholdt had said something but changed his mind mid-sentence. If Reiner had a problem with him, he could say so instead of sulking like a child. Of course, Bertholdt knew he was hardly in a position to criticise this kind of behaviour (when it came to silent treatment, he had become a master), yet he sighed and put his phone down on the table, his mind set on the conversation. He had no clue what Eren was on about but he sounded quite passionate and Bertholdt suspected he was complaining about his boss again. He tried to listen but his mind kept coming back to Reiner until Marco, waving in front of his eyes, definitely caught his attention.

“Are you ok?”

Bertholdt nodded but it didn't discourage Marco.

“You look worried.” Wasn’t that his usual look? He didn’t remember a time when he wasn’t worried about something : passing his final exams, paying the bills, getting a promotion, Marco getting his heart broken again, Annie… He didn’t need to add Reiner to the list of his problems and yet, there it was.

“I'm fine. I guess I'm just a bit tired.”

More like exhausted actually. Suddenly, remaining there, pretending to follow a conversation he didn’t really care about, felt as boring as watching a rugby match in the cold. He wanted to be with Reiner because these stolen moments they had together had become his only way to release the pressure. It was the only time he didn’t have to fight against this urge to withdraw into himself and it was refreshing. With Reiner it wasn’t complicated, it was primal instinct and sex. That was all he wanted. Besides, when he was with him, he was sure that Reiner wasn’t doing something incredibly stupid and just like that, half his stress was relieved.

“Actually, I think I’ll head back home. I really don’t feel like staying out.”

“Oh,” Marco looked disappointed. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Bertholdt smiled and shook his head.

“Stay. Have fun.”

Marco insisted some more for good measure but Bertholdt had no problem convincing him to stay. He finished his beer, apologised to his friends and after having put his coat on, left the pub. He took his phone and called Reiner. For a moment there, he had a flashback of all those times and had done exactly the same thing, never to get any answer. It rang several times but Reiner did pick up. Bertholdt could hear a lot of noise in the background and had to press his phone closer to his ear to hear what Reiner was saying.

“Reiner?”

He thought he heard some noise on the other side but couldn’t be even sure it was made by anything human. He tried some more times until the noise finally faded and disappeared. Wherever he was, Reiner had gone out.

“Bertl?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m going home … if you want to join me, we can spend some time together.”

There was a silence. It gave Bertholdt some time to hail a taxi and take place into the car.

“Yeah … Sure,” Reiner sounded different. “I’ll … leave now.I’ll be at your place in … ten minutes.”

Bertholdt recognised that voice : Reiner was drunk. He closed his eyes. The chance of them having sex had just plummeted close to zero. But it wasn’t the worst. When he had had too much to drink, Reiner tended to become depressed and would usually end up crying like a baby. Exactly what Bertholdt needed.

“‘kay. See yah.”

He hanged up without waiting for an answer. In the end, it didn’t matter if Reiner was drunk, he would still be able to spend some time with him. It didn’t take long before he arrived home and after having paid the cab, he decided to wait for Reiner down. He sank his hands in his pockets and began to pace up and down to keep himself warm. He was starting to get cold and was about to go up when an unsteady figure appeared at the corner of the street. He joined Reiner mid-way to support him until his building.

“Why didn’t you take a cab, you moron?” Bertholdt complained. Reiner was resting all his weight on him and if Bertholdt was taller, Reiner was definitely heavier.

“Don’t have money.”

“I would have paid.”

To open the door, Bertholdt had to let him go and when it was finally done, he pushed him in without consideration. They had three flights of stairs to ascend and Bertholdt was sorely regretting the absence of a lift.

“Come on, move your big arse up there.”

“Don’t go all…” he paused, seemingly looking for what he was about to say. “Posh! Don’t go all posh on me, Hoover.”

Bertholdt rolled his eyes but kept pushing his friend up the stairs in silence. When they finally arrived inside Bertholdt and Marco’s flat, they both slid down the wall, on the floor.

“Did you at least eat something?”

Reiner shook his head and without bothering to ask if he was hungry, Bertholdt got up and started preparing dinner in silence. It didn't take him long to prepare some pasta (in the state he was in, some carbs would do Reiner only good) and they soon sat around the kitchen table, eating in silence. It was not awkward though. It was comfortable, the kind of silence people who were close enough could share at the end of day. Bertholdt hadn’t noticed when their silences had turned into domesticity and if he wasn’t ready to acknowledge the thought, it did feel comfortable. When they were finished, he quickly washed the dishes before joining Reiner on the couch. He looked better, less red and more assured : walking in the cold and eating had surely done the trick.

“You have to get up early tomorrow?” Reiner asked. “I can leave now if you want to go to bed.”

“Stay a bit more.”

Reiner sat more comfortably. He spread his legs and put his arm on the backrest but, although his demeanour seemed pretty relaxed, Bertholdt was also aware of his tensed jaws and the way he was torturing the skin around his nails. Reiner’s nervousness soon spread to Bertholdt who bit his lips uncomfortably.

“Bertholdt…”

He rested his head against the back of the couch, slowly clenching and unclenching his fists, and looked at his friend. There was something new in the way Reiner was looking at him, something Bertholdt had noticed before but never to this extent. He took a long deep breath, similar to the ones Bertholdt would take before speaking about something important and this finished to convince him that something was wrong.

“There’s something I should tell you while I still feel a bit drunk.”

That wasn’t reassuring. Yet, Bertholdt smiled encouragingly.

“It's gonna sound stupid. But there's someone I like. A lot. Someone I've liked for a long time. I tried to move on but no matter what, I always seem to come back to him.”

Bertholdt was both reassured and disappointed. He was happy that it wasn’t anything dramatic but he couldn't help but feel jealous that his friend was actually in love with someone. It seemed to lessen their new relationship somehow, although Bertholdt knew it was silly since there were no feelings involved.

“Do I know him?”

“Yeah, you do. Quite well actually.”

Something clicked in Bertholdt’s mind. Maybe it was the way Reiner was looking at him, maybe it was all the clues that he had failed to see throughout the years. It felt like the last piece of a giant puzzle, revealing a picture so obvious that Bertholdt felt stupid for not having seen it before.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even look at his friend. He wanted to laugh and tell ‘ _ok, cool, so do you still want to have loveless sex?_ ’ but while his brain was working like crazy, his body seemed to have stop functioning altogether. He did think that this could prove problematic later.

His lack of reaction must have worried Reiner because he leaned towards him with his brow furrowed.

“It’s you, Bertholdt. It’s always been you.”

_Yeah, thanks for making that clear._

Somehow, hearing these words seemed to wake Bertholdt from his shock. A rush of emotion invaded his body, making him feel dizzy. What about the ‘no feelings attached’? What about the ‘it doesn’t mean that we’re in love’? Reiner had lied, purposely lied to his face when he had assured him countless time that what they had was nothing more than meaningless sex. He felt betrayed and dirty because it changed everything. He would have never let this thing going if he had known how Reiner truly felt, he would have never have allowed it - whatever it was - to continue and Reiner must have been aware of that because why else would have he kept such vital information from him?

He swallowed slowly. It was hard and painful because his throat was sore. He needed water. He rose up from the couch, rushed to the kitchen and drank a full glass of water. He could feel Reiner’s eyes on him, burning, and realised he couldn’t stand that stare anymore. He knew he should have said something to that but what was there to say? He didn’t know the man looking at him. He thought he did but the Reiner he knew would have never have used him like this.

Reiner got up to join him but Bertholdt moved back. “

Bertl…”

He shook his head and kept walking back until he hit the counter. He was stuck between the furniture and Reiner, he was trapped like an animal. Hearing this name in Reiner’s mouth hurt. It didn’t belong to him anymore because the Reiner he had given it to, a long time ago, would have never betrayed him like this.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t keep this to myself anymore. I had to tell you … It’s been so long … I…”

Bertholdt moaned. He couldn’t stand to listen to him, he couldn’t hear his reasons, he couldn’t accept his apology no more than he could accept to hear him babble about how much he loved him.

“You should go now.”

He needed to be alone. Reiner made a move to take a step forward.

“Leave please.”

Reiner hesitated. Bertholdt felt tears water his eyes and tried very hard not to cry in front of him. He was tired, he was shocked, he couldn’t believe that Reiner kept hurting him like this. It must have shown in his eyes because Reiner looked down and left without another word.

***

Monday 13th November 2017

Bertholdt felt terrible. He'd spent the whole Sunday in bed thinking about how he had reacted to Reiner’s confession. He still believed he was right to be hurt about the way his friend had used him but he had regretted his behaviour the minute Reiner had left.

Yet, his guilt didn't fade an even more present feeling : betrayal. He knew he'd caused Reiner pain and he hated himself a little bit for that but he couldn’t ignore the lie on which their relationship had been built. He had thought it had been different this time - they were both adults who had had plenty of time to reflect on their previous mistakes - but it seemed that no matter what, Reiner kept finding brand new ways to hurt him.

But if he was mad at Reiner, it was nothing compared to the anger he was feeling towards himself. He should have known. He had wallowed in his contempt, taking pride in the fact that he knew Reiner better than anyone else. It wasn’t true. He didn’t know him. The person boasting about being his best friend should have known about the depression and should have noticed the feelings Reiner had started to develop.

Bertholdt had done nothing.

He'd spent all day trying to keep his mind busy with work around the flat, without much success. It'd been three days since “the incident”, Reiner had tried to call him once but since then, it'd been radio silence. Bertholdt took a deep breath and knocked three times at the door. It wasn’t long before he heard some noise inside and soon, Ymir appeared in front of him. She let him in, offered him a drink and they crashed on the carpet.

“You said it was urgent. What is it?”

As usual, Ymir was direct.

“You remember what I told you about Reiner?”

She nodded, looking dead serious. It was comforting to see her face, comforting to know that she wasn’t going to spare him. She might say things he didn't like to hear but in the end, he knew she was the best one to help him see a bit more clearly.

“It turns out he’s had feelings for me, probably since we were at school.”

She didn't look surprised, as he had expected. After all, she’d been the one to warn him that this kind of relationship never ended well. He wished he had listened to her because, really, what did he know about human interactions?

“Tell me exactly what happened.”

Bertholdt obliged and started telling everything, from the match to his asking Reiner to leave. When he was finished, she looked dubitative with her eyebrow raised and her head tilted.

“So your best friend comes out to you after like … 10 years? And all that you say to him is to get out?”

Bertholdt blinked. He certainly hadn’t expected to be judged.

“Well... I was surprised. I … I ...” He could feel sweat cover his hands and cursed himself for not being able to stand up to her. “He betrayed me. By … By not telling me … I mean, it's a big deal. Right?”

She nodded and somehow, he felt relieved to have her approval.

“Yeah. I mean that was pretty shitty to sleep with you and make you believe it was just a casual thing when it obviously wasn't. At least not for him.”

But? She took a sip of her coke before continuing :

“But put yourself in his shoes for a minute.”

Bertholdt wasn’t sure he wanted to. It had never even occurred to him to consider things from Reiner’s point of view, he hadn’t stopped to think about his friend’s feelings and it certainly didn’t help with his guilt. He bit his lower lip.

“He knew he was gay when he was at school, right?” Bertholdt nodded absent-mindedly. He didn’t really know when Reiner had realised he was gay but that sounded about right. “That's something huge and it can be very overwhelming. But he couldn't tell you about it. You were probably the only person he wanted to tell because you were his best friend, but he couldn't tell you. He couldn't tell anyone. And he had to watch you get with Annie and move away from him without even being able to tell you who he really was. Can you imagine how that feels like?”

He shook his head. No, he couldn’t imagine keeping such a secret to himself for all these years, he couldn’t even begin to envision the loneliness Reiner must have felt.

“Was it like that for you?” he asked.

Ymir tilted her head. She obviously hadn’t expected the conversation to turn back to her. She thought about it for a moment.

“Well... I knew I was gay when I was ten, really. And I didn't have many friends to share it with anyway. So yeah, it was pretty lonely for me too, I guess.”

“I'm sorry.”

She shrugged, in a way she hoped to be nonchalant but Bertholdt knew her too well to be fooled. This had been a huge deal for her, it had probably shaped the person she was now and again, he felt guilty for not having asked before. She was about to speak again but he interrupted her. He needed her to hear his side of the story too.

“I never imagined how difficult it might have been for you, or for him for that matter. I wouldn’t even want to pretend that I understand … I mean I’m a bit of a mess myself at the moment and I’m starting to realise that I might not be not as straight as I thought but it’s nothing compared to what you or Reiner have gone through. I’ve got supportive friends, my parents probably wouldn’t mind …” He paused. He had gotten slightly carried away. “Anyway. What I’m trying to say is that no matter how hard it’s been for him, it shouldn’t excuse the fact that he used me.”

“Oh yeah, I did say it was shitty.” She made a face. “But he didn't force you, he did tell you that if you were uncomfortable at any point, to tell him. Were you uncomfortable?”

He sighed and shook his head. No, it has never been uncomfortable but that was only because he had been convinced that nothing else would ever happen between them. It had been easy, it had felt good to spend time with Reiner and to get to know him in such an intimate way. He loved having sex with Reiner and if he didn’t feel like doing it with anyone else at the moment, it didn’t mean that he was in love with him.

“Do you love him?” Ymir asked timely.

“Not like that.”

Ymir stared at him disbelievingly and raised an eyebrow. She stretched her legs in front of her and rested on her elbows.

“Look Bertholdt, you’re my friend so what I’m going to tell you is for your own good, really. I think you’re full of shit.”

He stared back, too surprised to be offended.

“From my point of view,” she started again. “It seems that your relationship is already pretty messed up. I don’t know all of it, of course, but I’ve looked at the two of you and I don’t think you ever were just friends. You’re just lying to yourself. I’m not saying you don’t have good reasons but you shouldn’t rule out the possibility of a romantic relationship just because you don’t feel that way yet.”

Bertholdt brought his hand to his mouth and began to bite his nails. Listening to Ymir was unlocking something inside of him, something he wasn’t ready to face. The bond he’d had with Reiner had always been special but he couldn’t just imagine turning his whole world over. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He knew he had to sort his feelings out, this bit was clear but he didn’t even know where to start and was afraid of what would come out of it.

“Bertholdt,” Ymir put her hand on his arm. “It’s okay to be confused. It’s not easy to put seven years of relationship with Annie behind you only to start a new one with a man. I’ve never been with a man but if I were to start having feelings for a guy now, I know I would be a mess.”

“It’s not about that. Well, maybe it is partly, but I don’t have a problem with Reiner being a guy. It’s just that our relationship has been … well, it hasn’t always been very healthy and I don’t want to get caught in his bullshit again.”

She probed his eyes before patting his arm.

“The more history there is, the more complicated it gets. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really. But can you tell me something?”

She smiled reassuringly.

“What should I do?”

Ymir rolled her eyes.

“Bertholdt, you need to learn to make decisions for yourself. It’s your life, your feelings, make up your own mind.”

He smiled gratefully. He still didn’t have the faintest clue about what he should do but he understood now that Ymir was a better friend than Reiner had ever been. It should have made him sad but he couldn’t help but feel lucky to have her around.

“It’s a work in progress.”

She passed her arm around his shoulders, allowing him to come closer. He knew she wasn’t the hugging type and Bertholdt felt privileged. He enjoyed the closeness for about five minutes before moving back again : he didn’t want to abuse his luck.

“Tell me about your coming out,” he asked.

Ymir chuckled and started to tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Bertholdt is burying his head in the sand big time. I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, something still feels off but I can't pinpoint what exactly and this is kind of driving me crazy so there it is anyway.  
> Also thanks again @mishafer for beta reading this since the beginning (I always forget to give her credits, I'm the worst)
> 
> Preview for next chapter : dark Bertholdt and a Christmas market


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Bertholdt and Marco both have a busy night

Thursday 14th November 2017

The world was red.

The sky and the trees and the bed of leaves under his naked feet were different shades of crimson, scarlet, wine. Bertholdt began to run, fear pulsating in his veins, giving him the strength to keep moving when all he wanted to do was give up and lie on the forest soil, doomed but at peace.

He kept running until the trees suddenly disappeared. He stopped abruptly, his nose only millimetres away from the wall that had appeared in front of him. He put his palms on the bricks : they were cold and irradiating something dark and insidious. He removed his hands and looked up. For a moment, he had the impression it would never end, that this wall would reach the sky, and he had to take a few steps back to actually see the top. He took a look around, expecting to see the forest but there were no trees, just this endless sea of red grass. Things were moving in the distance. Bertholdt narrowed his eyes to try and determine what they could be but they were still too far and after a hesitation, he decided to wait there, wherever there was. They would come to him soon enough.

They did. One moment they were far away in the distance, the next they were close enough for Bertholdt to make out the human shapes, the naked bodies and horrible faces. They were people, incredibly tall people, lead by an even taller monster. Bertholdt gasped as his head was swinging backwards with the vain hope to see that thing’s face. He wasn’t used to feeling belittled, but next to this thing, he felt like an insect. The giant was even taller than the wall and if it remotely looked human in shape, it definitely was a monster.

Bertholdt walked back until he touched the wall. He banged his head hard and fell on his ass. He wanted to run away from this thing, he didn’t want to die but his body felt numb and he couldn’t jumped to his feet.

The world was still red, as if someone had put a filter on it to drain away all the other colours. He tried to move, one last time, only realising that he couldn’t even feel the bricks behind his back. He was paralysed and that monster kept coming closer, slowly, ever so slow. Bertholdt closed his eyes but even behind closed eyelids the world was still red and it was even scarier than any monsters. He swallowed with difficulty, tasting metal in his throat.

“So, do you like to treat all your friends like shit or is it just Reiner and me?”

Annie was on his right. He tried to ask for her help, warn her about the giant coming but he couldn’t speak and she didn’t seem to be aware of where they were.

“I just want you to miss me, so I won’t bleed again.”

Reiner was on his left. Bertholdt didn’t try to utter a sound. There was nothing left inside of him, just a huge empty hole. He wanted to look at Annie again because seeing Reiner was awakening something in the nothing he was becoming, something he didn’t want to face, but she was gone. He was alone again, alone with the monster coming for him.

Someone screamed, far away. Annie or Reiner? Bertholdt wanted to get up, get to them, help them, any way he could but he still couldn’t move. Was it what it was like to die? If he had still been able to, he would have laughed at this point. It couldn’t get more ridiculous than dying alone, God alone knew where, devoured alive by a monster.

“It’s your fault. It’s all your fault. You used him just like he used you. You fucked him and you liked it. You are the monster.”

The giant had reached him. From this close, Bertholdt couldn’t even see its face but its voice was loud and clear and strangely familiar. For a moment, it seemed to shrink and a second later, a smaller figure was standing in its place. It was tall and lanky but it was definitely human, except for those dark eyes empty of life and compassion. It was him. It took him a while to realise that the man in front of him was no one else but himself, covered in red and smiling a terrifying smile.

The scream got louder. Turned into a laugh.

Bertholdt woke up abruptly. He sat up, panting, and searched for the light. His hands were shaking so much that it took several attempts to finally find the switch and keep it between his wet fingers. Several seconds passed during which he didn’t remember where and who he was but it all came back in a blur. He looked around at the reassuring familiarity of his bedroom : he was safe. A strangled sound escaped his throat, halfway between a laugh and a sob. His sense of security was short-lived though : as soon as he felt his hand wet after having passed it on his coated face, he went into a panic. His heart beat furiously in his chest as if it was trying to escape, his limbs which had fallen still, began shaking again and he didn’t dare looking at this palm, somehow convinced it would be dripping in blood. Bertholdt forced himself to take deep breaths and brought his hand before his eyes. It wasn’t red. A hole, so similar to the one he had had in his dream, was forming in his stomach. He should have been relieved - it wasn’t blood, only sweat - but as the adrenaline was suddenly leaving his system, he felt sick.

He ran to the bathroom, shivering. The cold on his skin finished to convinced him that it had all been a nightmare, that giant monsters didn’t exist, that Reiner and Annie were fine. But as he was kneeling in front of the toilet, bringing his dinner back up, he felt less and less convinced about that last point. Annie may look alright, she was good at putting masks and lying, but after what he’d done to her, he would be foolish to think that she was fine. As for Reiner … The only thought of his friend, lying in his bed, hurting himself and wanting so badly to be dead made his stomach jolt again. What had he done?

Bertholdt rose. He went to the sink and splashed fresh water on his face and neck. Only when he felt his heart beat at a normal pace, did he look at himself in the mirror. He felt stupid for thinking that blood was covering his face before but it felt good nonetheless to have the proof under his eyes. It was just regular, sweaty Bertholdt. He tried to smile at his reflection but it looked more like a grimace, nothing similar to the smile his counterpart had shown in the dream. Reassured, he rinsed his mouth and drank directly from the tap, his throat soothed by the cold although the nausea was still there. He went back to bed.

Bertholdt rarely had nightmares, in fact he never had any problems sleeping. But it was different this time. He couldn’t shake the unease and the feeling that something terrible had happened. He couldn’t stop thinking about the monster, how unlike himself it had looked and yet. He knew his own face, he had to see it every day in the mirror whether he wanted it or not and there was no doubt about who this person had been. Bertholdt admonished himself; he needed to get a grip over himself. It was only a nightmare after all, the unease would fade and he shouldn’t try and read too much into it. At least not when something more important should monopolise his mind.

Bertholdt had a responsibility towards Reiner, ever since he had promised him to help with the medication. He had made a commitment because, in the moment, nothing had seemed more important than helping Reiner out and despite everything that had happened, it was still true. He had no obligation but how could he live with himself if something happened to his friend because he’d been too childish to hear him out? He looked at the alarm clock. It was three in the morning, Reiner was probably asleep but Bertholdt couldn’t help but think that he had pushed him to do something stupid, because yes, Reiner could be dramatic like that. The fact that he hadn’t thought about it before appalled him.

He took his phone. It rang for a long time and Bertholdt was actually considering hanging up when a low, deep voice echoed far away.

“Bertholdt?”

He felt his heart miss a beat. It was Reiner, he sounded weird, like he’d been crying or sleeping (more likely sleeping) but he was alive. He opened his mouth but closed it almost immediately when he realised he didn’t know what to say. What could possibly translate into how he was feeling? How could he even start to express what was on his mind?

Worry, relief, shame, joy, fear, tiredness, none of these emotions would stay long enough for him to make up his mind. It was making him feel dizzy, as if he was on the brink of losing his mind.

He could hear Reiner breathe loudly on the other end, an enticing sound that again, proved him that he was still alive. Still there. Ultimately, what he would say didn’t matter as long as he kept hearing the air going in and out Reiner’s nose.

“Bertholdt.”

The voice was less coarse, more alive. Bertholdt closed his eyes. His spectrum of emotions had finally settled on relief and he felt a tear roll on his cheek.

“Yes.”

His voice was no more than a whisper. He suddenly was very conscious of the absence of noise around him, of Marco sleeping in the next room. He lay down in his bed, his phone pressed against his ear. He had so many things to say, he didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know how to put words on the many thoughts battling in his mind. Ymir’s words came back to his mind : “ _you shouldn’t rule out the possibility of a romantic relationship just because you don’t feel that way yet_ ”. Maybe it was time to man up and take risks.

“We need to talk. But not on the phone. I want to see you.”

“Ok. Now?”

Bertholdt instinctively looked at the alarm clock. It was the middle of the night and it probably could wait a few hours.

“Now.”

He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, not when he was so excited and scared to see Reiner, not when that monstrous face kept coming back to his eyes every time he closed his eyelids.

“Meet me at the stadium in one hour.”

Bertholdt agreed. After he hanged up, he stared at the ceiling for a minute. For the third time in one night, his heart began pounding in his chest. He was about to see Reiner, talk with him and he had no idea of how he felt, let alone what he would tell. He jumped out of his bed, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and started to write frenetically.

*

Bertholdt wasn’t afraid of the dark. He didn’t feel any particular discomfort in the absence of light and had stopped believing in monsters under the bed years ago. But that particular night, in the gloomy, deserted streets of London, when his nightmare seemed to refuse to leave his mind, he was scared. He walked faster towards the big shadow he knew to be the Eldia Stadium, trying his best to stay in the light of few street lamps that were still working.

Reiner was waiting for him at the gate. Bertholdt sped up, his fear of darkness momentarily forgotten. They awkwardly shook hands before Reiner mumbled something about going inside. He took a bunch of keys out of his pocket and unlocked the gate. They entered in the changing rooms in silence and agreed to sit on a bench outside. The spots were not on, only the moon was giving some light, and if it wasn’t as scary as outside, Bertholdt still didn’t feel very comfortable.

“Sorry that’s the only place I could think of.”

London or not, everything was closed at this time of night and it was definitely better than staying in the street. They stayed silent after that, a long, embarrassed silence that was making Bertholdt cringe. He wanted to speak. More than that, he knew he had to say something but again, it felt like his mouth had decided to act independently. He put his hand in his pocket and search for the little piece of paper he had worked on so relentlessly before coming here. He had thought about what he would say, he even had made an outline as nerdy as that may sound, he just couldn’t get his mouth to work.

When Bertholdt finally plucked up the courage to speak, Reiner did the same. They chuckled, embarrassed, and looked down at the grass.

“Please let me go first,” Bertholdt asked after another long pause.

Reiner agreed and he took a long breath.

“I'm sorry.” Bertholdt stopped but Reiner didn't interrupt him. “I overreacted. You trusted me and I rejected you.”

Reiner didn't say anything straight away. He kept staring down for a while but when he looked up, Bertholdt could see gratitude in his eyes and this look convinced him that he'd done the right thing.

“Thank you, Bertl. I needed that.”

Bertholdt felt himself blush again and looked away, embarrassed. He played with the little piece of paper in his pocket and took the plunge : Reiner was too important to him to allow more lies between the two of them.

“You have to understand something. I’m not mad at you because you have feelings for me or because you’re gay or bi or whatever. I’m angry because you lied to me.”

Reiner bit his lips. He looked shameful and it broke Bertholdt’s determination a tiny bit. He pressed his paper in his hand again. He needed to stay strong.

“How am I supposed to help you if you don’t tell me how you feel?”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then help me understand.”

Reiner looked away. Bertholdt wanted to insist but he knew very well that once his friend had his mind set on something, he would stick to it. He sighed and waited. The place was still frightening but in a different way than it had felt before. He didn’t fear a monster coming out of the shadow anymore, he was afraid that he might lose Reiner for good. His dream came back to his mind and he looked away. By not telling him his true feelings, Reiner had used him. That much was true. But the more he thought about it, the more Bertholdt became convinced that he had known all along. Not consciously, of course, but he had noticed the way Reiner was looking at him, he had noticed the hints his friend had left along the way, and he had taken advantage of it.

“I don’t deserve you, Bertl.”

That took him by surprise. He looked at his friend. Reiner was still looking down with his eyes closed.

“You’re a good person. I’m just a piece of shit. I don’t deserve you. That’s why I never told you how I felt. The two outcomes were equally frightening : either you’d reject me, either you’d accept it and I would have to live up to your perfection.”

The face covered in blood and the terrible smile came back to Bertholdt’s mind. He wasn’t a good person. And he was far from being perfect. He understood though. He’d lived in Reiner’s shadow pretty much his whole life, trying to live up to his standards, happy in the cage his friend had built for him. Not anymore. This had to stop.

He took Reiner’s hand. That made him look up.

“You’re too hard with yourself. And you think too highly of me. I don’t know how I would have reacted if you had told me, I don’t even know what to think of it now but -”

He stopped. He knew how this sentence was going to end. He hadn’t prepared it, his little piece of paper was long forgotten at the bottom of his pocket. But right now, it felt like the best thing to do. The only thing that would maybe or maybe not salvage their relationship, whatever it was at this point.

“But there's one thing I know,” he continued. “I miss you. It's funny because after seven years without you, I should be ok for a week, but the truth is, I'm not. I miss hanging out with you, I miss your stupid jokes, I miss watching those rom-coms with you and seeing you getting emotional when the guy and the girl end up together.” Bertholdt stopped a second to smile at the memory. When he spoke again though, his voice was low. “I miss touching you and I miss you touching me.”

He had never been as close to Reiner as he’d been in the last couple of weeks because for the first time in their lives, they were actually equal. It wasn’t down to control, it wasn’t down to worship, it was equality.

“I want to try, Reiner. I can't promise you that I'll fall in love with you but I'm willing to give it a shot. You know, you and me, together. If you want to. I'll understand if you don't. But if you do, you'll have to agree to let me go if I … well if I ...”

“If you don't fall for me.”

Bertholdt nodded.

“I understand,” Reiner continued. “And I want to do it too.”

“You sure? You might get your heart broken.”

“Bertholdt, I've been in love with you for eleven years and all this time, I've never believed I would get a chance with you. My heart has been broken ever since I came to this conclusion. In those last months, being with you has made me happier than I ever thought I would be. I am sure.”

Bertholdt felt his eyes get itchy. He'd never envisioned the extent of Reiner's love for him and it was scary. Deep down, he knew he should feel pressured, he should get anxious and run away from the situation but Reiner put his hand on his cheek and it felt right. It felt homey.

“May I kiss you?”

Bertholdt hesitated. He’d spent a lot of time thinking about what he would say to Reiner but he’d never imagined what would happen after and if kissing felt like the right thing to do, he couldn’t help a new wave of panic to invade his body. Not that he was reticent at the idea of kissing Reiner but what if nothing happened. What if it was just a plain kiss that awoke nothing inside of him. Bertholdt swallowed. He would never know if he didn’t try.

“You may.” Reiner’s hand on Bertholdt’s cheek slid to his lips. He brushed against his mouth before bringing their two faces closer. Bertholdt remembered the kiss Reiner had given him, that one time. He knew how his lips tasted but when their mouths pressed against each other, it felt like the first time again. Everything was different, they were not having sex, it was something more. Bertholdt closed his eyes. His body felt weak, his brain was slow, all that mattered was that kiss and Reiner’s hand on his face. But when he felt his friend try to deepen the kiss, he moved back. They put some distance between their two bodies, enough for Bertholdt to notice Reiner’s red cheeks and short breath. He wondered if his face was that red.

“Sorry,” Reiner said.

“Let's take this slowly, please.”

He had felt something. A combination of desire and familiarity. A breath on his lips, nothing more, not yet, but it was enough, enough for one man, enough for one night, enough to know that that kiss had felt like home. They smiled at each other, a pure, innocent smile, so very different from the one Bertholdt had dreamt and very much alike to those they would share as children.

“Does that mean I get to ask you on a date?”

Bertholdt laughed.

“I think we're past this point, don't you think?”

“And how am I supposed to make you fall head over heels for me if you don't give me a chance?”

Reiner crossed his arms. His brow was furrowed but something new was shining into his eyes and it took Bertholdt a few seconds to realise that Reiner was happy. He didn’t remember seeing his body so relaxed, his jaw so untightened, his face so bright. He gave up. Seeing him like this was worth every anxiety, every trouble. It was worth the risk of losing himself.

“Ok. You can ask me out. But I will expect top quality date.”

Reiner smirked and the victorious look on his face finished to convince Bertholdt that he was doing the right thing.

They chatted a bit more, about work, about kids, about Marco and Jean, until the cold got the better of their determination. It was five - too late to go back to sleep, too early to go to work - and they agreed to go to Bertholdt’s place. Marco wouldn’t be up before half six, they would have plenty of time to keep talking in a warmer environment. Reiner could leave before Marco was up, go back to Annie’s apartment and no one would know about their little night adventure.

Or so they thought.

It was twenty past five when they arrived at Marco’s door. As Bertholdt was looking for his keys, he felt Reiner’s breath on his neck, intoxicating, distracting. His hand closed on the little piece of paper he had forgotten at the bottom of his pocket a while ago and he closed his eyes. He had removed his scarf on the climb here, exposing his skin to the assaults of Reiner’s kisses.

“Reiner …. wait …”

Only grunts answered him. So much for talking. Bertholdt had to gather all his will to keep searching for the keys. When he finally found them, he freed himself from his friend’s embrace and unlocked the door. Bertholdt had barely the time to notice that the flat was dark and silent, before Reiner hungrily kissed him again. It wasn’t innocent and platonic anymore, it was driven by lust and he soon felt his last barriers going down.

Too busy touching each other, they didn’t notice the muffled voices.They did hear the loud bang and stifled swear, though. Bertholdt and Reiner froze and stared at each other, too mortified to dare moving. Several long seconds passed, painful and endless, until Bertholdt plugged out the courage to open his eyes. Reiner’s body was pressed against his but that’s not what caught his attention : two shapes stood out in front of the window, completely motionless and yet, it made no doubts that they were human. One of them chose this moment to start moving again and soon a blinding, electrical light illuminated the room.

“Bertholdt? Jeez man, I thought someone had broken into … wait …”

The absurdity of the situation hit the four of them at the same time. Reiner finally moved away from Bertholdt’s body, which he had pinned against the wall, allowing them both to see properly Marco and Jean, both half naked and looking at least as surprised as Reiner and Bertholdt themselves.

“Ah. That’s awkward.”

No one moved for another thirty seconds. Somehow, Bertholdt was happy to be partly hidden behind Reiner, he felt less exposed, almost protected and had to mentally slap himself out of thinking like that. Suddenly, almost violently, everyone started to move at the same time. Jean ran towards the door, momentarily forgetting that he was only wearing his boxers ; Marco grabbed a cushion from the sofa to hide the fact that he was naked ; Reiner intercepted Jean before he had the time to rush outside and Bertholdt fled to his bedroom, abandoning Reiner behind. He stayed behind the door for several minutes, slowly realising what that encounter meant. His secret relationship wasn’t so secret anymore and he didn’t want to think about what that implied. Everyone would soon hear about it and whatever was happening with Reiner would become official. Somehow, this had gotten too real for his taste. But he was taking comfort in the fact that he wasn’t the only one who had been severely busted tonight.

A soft knock on the door brought him back to the present. He moved backwards to avoid bumping into the door Reiner was opening.

“I should go.”

Bertholdt nodded, distractedly. They kissed awkwardly and Reiner left with Jean, leaving Bertholdt and Marco, staring at each other. Finally, Marco seemed to wake up from a very bad dream and, after a chuckle, disappeared in the bathroom.

*

The whole day passed in a blur. Bertholdt had successfully focused on work, ignoring messages from Reiner, Marco and Ymir and when he left the library that evening, he congratulated himself on his ability to put things into perspective fairly quickly. Ok, that encounter had been embarrassing but at least he hadn’t been the one being naked. And that’s all that it was : embarrassing. They were all grown men after all and he shouldn’t care about what others thought of his relationship with Reiner.

Bertholdt unlocked the door to be greeted by his roommate, offering a plate full of lasagnas.

“I prepared it for me but it’s way too much for me to finish it,” Marco explained. “I thought you might like it.”

Bertholdt could have kissed him : he was starving. He didn’t try to hide his enthusiasm and as he was removing his shoes and coat, Marco proceeded to put the plate in the microwave.

“Don’t tell me you stayed at work that late.” Marco said when Bertholdt joined him at the kitchen table.

He looked up the clock. It was almost ten which explained why he was feeling so drained.

“I had to finish to put the orders for our suppliers, the deadline is tomorrow.”

Marco took out the plate out of the microwave and put it in front of his friend before sitting in front of him, arms crossed.

“So you weren’t avoiding me or anything?”

Bertholdt blushed. Maybe he had kept working so late to avoid having that chat with Marco. Or maybe he had really been busy. He looked at his plate and started to eat.

“So?”

Bertholdt sighed and put his fork down.

“So I wasn’t avoiding you.” That wasn’t technically a lie. “Yes, I do have a lot of work. And no, I don’t have anything to be embarrassed about ...” Still not a lie. “... unlike you. You were the one who was naked.”

Marco looked down as his cheeks became pink, allowing Bertholdt to pick up his fork and start eating again. The lasagnas were not as good the ones Sasha would make but they were more than satisfying all the same. Finally Marco looked up, defiantly.

“If I had known you’d be fooling around with Reiner, I would have dressed for the occasion.”

Marco looked rather proud of himself and Bertholdt indulged with a light laugh between two mouthfuls.

“So …” Bertholdt started. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on with Jean or are you just going to pretend nothing happened?”

“Well I guess there’s no point in denying anything anymore. But I’ll only tell you if you promise to tell me what the hell you were doing with Reiner, you dog!”

They sealed the deal with a handshake and as Bertholdt was still eating, Marco agreed to go first.

“We’re kind of dating.”

“Kind of?”

“He's confused, I think. He wants to keep it casual which is fine by me because I'm not so sure I'm into him anyway.”

That sounded even more complicated than what he and Reiner had. At least, there were no doubts about Reiner's feelings and even if he wasn't romantically in love with him, Bertholdt had no doubt that he loved him. Maybe just in a friendly way for the moment, but the love was there.

“He's kind of a jerk.” Marco continued with passion. “You know sometimes he's just very sweet but the minute after he says or does something very selfish and I swear I could slap him. He has the potential to be a great guy, it's just wasted on his bad temper.”

Bertholdt could tell that Marco cared. More than he realised. And he couldn't really blame him for being careful, after all the disastrous relationships he had gotten into, being precautious was like a second nature.

“What does he say about that?”

Marco shrugged tiredly.

“He doesn't say anything. He just avoids the matter altogether.”

He paused.

“But it's ok. We're just having fun for now. We'll see where to go from there.”

Bertholdt bit his lip. He was very fond of Marco and he'd seen him being hurt countless times. He didn't want him to suffer another time because of some jerk. Yet, he didn't really know what he should say. He couldn't tell him to just ditch Jean and protect himself (even if he did, Marco wouldn't listen anyway). He just had to brace himself and be ready to comfort his friend if everything went south again.

“Tell me about you now!”

Marco was smiling again and for the first time, Bertholdt could see through it. All this need for attention, this repulsion of silence and this irritating closeness was another way to cope with his own insecurity. Bertholdt finally understood that his roommate was not so different from himself, they were in fact very similar, and he felt the sudden urge to hug him. He did nothing though, apart from promising himself to listen to him more.

This realisation made talking about Reiner easier. He still didn’t want anything to become official, and from the messages Ymir had left him earlier, it was already too late for that, but he was acknowledging the fact that telling Marco about his feelings and getting a second opinion, so to speak, might help him see more clearly.

“We’re kind of dating too.”

“Kind of?”

Bertholdt smiled pensively. He didn’t really know where to start, it had become too messy to even know where this thing had even started, so he got up to put his plate in the sink. He took two glasses and a bottle of red wine - it wasn’t a beer-type of conversation. Pouring the wine gave him a few seconds more to organise his thoughts and when he brought the glass to his lips, he knew roughly where he was going.

“It’s complicated. We’re trying because I think there might be something between us but there’s so much history between us … it’s just a mess.”

“Trying … like a romantic relationship?”

Bertholdt nodded while his finger was drawing the edge of the glass. Drops of wine had split on the table and stained the wood.

“Bertholdt?”

He looked up. Marco sounded worried, unlike his usual teasing tone.

“Are you doing anything you don’t want to do?”

“What?”

“It’s just that you look … I don’t know. Sad? I just want to make sure that he’s not forcing you into anything. Or that you’re not doing anything to please him.”

Bertholdt stared at his roommate, dumbfounded. How could anyone even think that Reiner would coerce him into doing anything? He was flattered that his friends were looking out for him but also a bit offended to see that Marco was so quick to judge Reiner when he didn’t even know him that well. He felt a sudden urge to stood up for him, just like Reiner had done for him in his own deviated way.

“Reiner would never force me into anything. He’s not like that.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just worried, I guess.”

“That’s ok.”

They both drank some wine, more to hide their embarrassment than by need.

“He’s not the problem,” Bertholdt continued. “I am. I’m not sure I love him that way, I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

He finished his glass in one go as panic was invading him again. Now that he had settled and could think back about his talk with Reiner, he was stressing out about whether or not he had made a terrible mistake. What if he was just using Reiner again? The prospect of having to maybe or maybe not break his heart was daunting.

Marco put his hand on his forearm, bringing him back to the present.

“Bertholdt, relax.”

 _Easier said than done_. He forced himself to take a deep breath. It didn’t make him feel any better about himself but, after another sip of wine from Marco’s glass, he was able to calm his heartbeat and offered his roommate what he hoped to be a reassuring smile.

“Feelings are complicated, don’t make yourself sick over that. You’ll figure them out eventually.”

Bertholdt didn’t say anything back. He had always had a hard time figuring things out by himself and relying too much on Annie and Reiner’s decisions had been a flaw he had worked very hard to overcome. He had thought he’d been doing rather well but now that Reiner was back in his life, he felt like his old undecisive self was back too and this was frustrating. He’d never been foolish enough to think that the battle would ever be over but he had the feeling that all this work to regain control of his own life had been vain all the same.

“You’re right,” he sighed eventually.

He wasn’t sure it was true but he didn’t feel like trying to put into words what was battling in his mind at the moment. “Thank you, Marco, it was nice talking. We should do that more often.”

“We should. But not tonight.”

“Not tonight,” Bertholdt repeated as Marco was getting up to put their two glasses in the sink. He looked at him go in his room, barely saying goodnight back, lost in the contemplation of this empty room. He looked around and realised for the first time that even though this place was his home, it wasn’t familiar. Nothing was his, except for his books and clothes in his bedroom, the rest was Marco’s. After the break-up, Annie had taken most of their stuff. Bertholdt had tossed what she had left behind ; he couldn’t stand looking at those things, a constant reminder that she was gone.

He missed Annie. He missed her strength and her wit, he missed his life being simple. He missed being her friend and hanging out with her, he missed her roasting Reiner everyday and her penchant for chocolate.

Bertholdt briefly closed his eyes to chase Annie away from his mind and got up. He locked the door, switched off all the lights and went to bed. He didn’t even feel like reading but as he was about to turn off his side lamp, a short light buzz caught his attention. It was a text from Reiner.

**I hope your day was as great as mine. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and smile and I hope you won’t make a big thing out of what happened this morning with Marco and Jean. It doesn’t change anything, not for me. I miss you. Goodnight xx**

Bertholdt smiled.

**Ok, I just realised this was super cheesy so … you up for a beer tomorrow evening, bro? (is that better?) (btw this isn’t a date)**

He laughed and started to type back.

**Yo bro. Always up for a beer. Seriously, tho, I don’t mind cheesy. Everything ok with Marco, I’m not panicking. I miss you too xxx**

He didn’t wait for an answer and with a smile on his lips, switched off the light.

***

Friday 1st December 2017

Bertholdt hanged up the phone, silently congratulating himself for his self-control. He was used to deal with moronic suppliers and after several unanswered emails, he had plucked up the courage to call those guys. He didn’t have the feeling that they had understood his problem but he would have to wait a couple of days and see if the books he had ordered finally arrived. It would be about time too. He sighed and revived his computer. He was about to start typing an important letter when a discreet knock on his door caught his attention. He raised his head to find Thomas Wagner, from Human Resources, standing a few feet away from his desk.

“Hey Bertholdt, you got a moment?”

Bertholdt smiled in a way he hoped to be not too forced. He liked Thomas, they usually had lunch together on Wednesdays and Fridays, but he had a lot on his plate and didn’t have the time to chat.

“Yes, of course.”

Thomas took a small white envelope from the briefcase he was carrying and handed it to Bertholdt.

“Congratulations, man.” He was trying very hard to look serious and professional but the smile that was eating half of his face gave him the exact same look of a child struggling very hard to keep a secret. Bertholdt looked from Thomas to the envelope, frowning, and took it, precautionarily as if the plain and unclosed envelope could bite him. Very aware of Thomas’ stare, he took the letter inside and started to read, his heart already beating furiously in his chest.

_Mister Hoover, we are pleased to inform you that after the examination of your application for the position of curator of the library of South London, and after ..._

He stopped reading there to look up at Thomas whose smile had widened, if it was even possible.

“You got the job, man. Well done!”

Bertholdt couldn’t believe this was happening and that from all those older and more experienced candidates they had actually chosen him. A rush of happiness invaded his bloodstream and he felt the sudden urge to call Annie to let her know.

“There’ll be a memo later this week but I felt that you should know first.”

“Thanks, Thomas.”

Thomas shrugged, as if to say “ _I had nothing to do with it_ ” and started for the door. But as he was about to leave Bertholdt to the slow realisation that his hard work had paid, he turned around, leaning against the door frame.

“And please, Bertholdt, do yourself a favour : go home. It’s already late and you deserve a break.”

Bertholdt didn’t say anything to that but as Thomas didn’t seem keen on leaving until he’d had an answer, he nodded in agreement. Thomas disappeared in the corridor, finally, leaving Bertholdt alone with the letter he was still holding. He read it carefully, making sure to print each word in his brain as his hands were starting to shake and a nervous twitch was developing under his eye. The need to call Annie came back, stronger, and for a moment he could have even forgotten that they weren’t together anymore. For a blessed second, nothing had changed, his world was still steady and he would come home to Annie. They would share a dinner, have sex and they would be happy.

But his home wasn’t Annie anymore. Bertholdt briefly closed his eyes, put the letter on his desk and opened his eyes again. The moment had passed. Not so long ago, this realisation would have saddened him but he smiled. He was happy and not only because of this promotion. He couldn’t stop smiling because tonight, for the first time, he would go out with Reiner not as friends, but as dates. And if the prospect was still a bit frightening, his heart felt lighter than it had felt in a while.

*

It was half seven when Reiner showed up to pick him up and Bertholdt wasn’t ready. He was still in the shower when he heard Marco open the door and Reiner’s deep, masculine voice on the other side of the bathroom door. He swore under his breath, rinsed his hair and cut off the water. He wrapped a towel around his hips and left the bathroom. A rush of cold air greeted him, making him want to run to his bedroom even more. But he had to cross the living room before getting there and there was no way he would go unnoticed.

“Ah! There he is,” Marco said when he saw him. “I can’t believe you’re late on a first date!”

Reiner chuckled but he dismissed them both by a wave of his hand before disappearing in his bedroom. He hadn’t really thought about what he would wear and had hoped to have more time to put into the question. This was a tough choice. He hadn’t really gone on any dates with Annie (99p ice creams on the beach definitely didn’t count) so this was his first time ever. He was a bit nervous about it.

Bertholdt took the time to sit on his bed and think. He wished he had looked at how Reiner was dressed, it would have given him ideas, but it was too late now. He tried on several trousers and shirts but it was either too casual, too formal or not warm enough. He finally opted for a pair of casual pants with a shirt and jumper. It was comfortable but not sloppy, he wouldn’t freeze to death if they stayed outside and he already knew for a fact that Reiner liked that jumper. After having put some order into his hair, he grabbed his scarf and coat and joined his friends in the living room.

When he saw him, Reiner got up from the couch and Bertholdt finally had the chance to see him. He stopped in the middle of putting his coat on, not realising that he was biting his lower lip. Reiner was handsome, a classy kind of handsome, with his formal black pants, white shirt and red suspenders. Bertholdt had the sudden urge to get rid of those and tear that shirt (too small!) off with his hands and teeth. He swallowed slowly, forcing himself to get a grip over himself - he wasn’t an animal, damnit! Aware of the effect he had on his person, Reiner grinned and winked.

“Ready?”

Bertholdt suddenly felt underdressed but didn’t have a chance to go and change : Reiner had already put his coat on and was starting for the door. Bertholdt glimpsed Marco’s expression of lust and amusement and decided to ignore it before following Reiner out.

Reiner hailed a cab and they soon took place inside the car. The trip didn’t take long. The taxi left them in Kensington and after having buried his hands in his pockets and his nose in his scarf, Bertholdt followed his friend. He had no clue as to what Reiner had planned for the evening. He had tried to ask (mostly because he didn’t like surprises and wanted to be prepared for any occasion), in vain. He was about to try again but as they were approaching Hyde Park, the music and lights gave Bertholdt his answer. Winter Wonderland was one of the best Christmas Fair in London. Bertholdt had gone several times with his friends and knew the atmosphere was truly magic. Being there, with Reiner, was one hell of a first date.

The crowd nearing the park was dense and they had to hold hands not to lose each other. They strolled around the fair first, lost in their contemplation of the lights and the trees and the little wood cabins. They stopped at several of them admiring the food and the clothes and the Christmas decorations, drank some mulled wine and bought some chocolate for Historia and Ymir. They passed the ferris wheel and when they reached the shooting stall, Reiner stopped. He smirked and dragged Bertholdt towards it.

“I think I’m going to be super cheesy and win you one of those huge peluche. You said you didn’t mind cheesy.”

Bertholdt shook his head, already regretting his choice of words. He wasn’t a teenage girl and he didn’t need a huge peluche. Where the hell was he supposed to put it anyway?

“Reiner…” he started but Reiner had already paid and was taking the rifle. He aimed, very poorly and missed dismally. Bertholdt couldn’t help a laugh.

“Two more shots.”

Reiner took long deep breaths, aimed again and almost hit the seller. Bertholdt rolled his eyes and pushed him. If he wanted to do this, he had to at least do it properly. He took the rifle and aimed. But unlike Reiner, he didn’t rush to shoot. He waited, breathing in and out, breathing in and out again, forgetting about everything around him. The target wasn’t far, it was big enough. Child’s play. How Reiner had managed to miss it so miserably twice was a mystery. He inhaled again and shot as he breathed out. He hit the centre of the target.

“And we have a wiiiiiiiinner!”

Bertholdt handed the rifle back and took the huge giraffe he had won. Reiner accepted the gift, looking puzzled.

“How did you learn to shoot like this?” Reiner asked as they were walking away.

“I didn’t. But it’s nothing difficult, you need to be patient and not just shoot randomly like you did.”

“Show off!”

Bertholdt shrugged with a smile. Maybe he was showing off. Maybe he felt the need to impress Reiner. And what if he was? He didn’t really need to, he didn’t need to seduce Reiner but it still felt good to be admired.

“I think I’ll call him Bertl,” Reiner said as he was patting the giraffe on the head. “He looks a bit like you.”

“He most certainly doesn’t!”

Reiner looked from the giraffe, then to Bertholdt and back to the giraffe with a wicked smile.

“I think he does. And he might come in handy if you stay impervious to my charms.”

He offered him a colgate smile and bat his eyes. Bertholdt knew he was trying to make him laugh and he had to fight hard not to give in. He wouldn’t give that satisfaction, not after he had compared him to a giraffe.

“Since when do you know words like ‘impervious’?”

Reiner lost his grin to looked offended and shocked. He raised his chin and patted the peluche on the head.

“Come on Bertl. We don’t need the mean Bertholdt.”

He started to walk away in the most dramatic way. Bertholdt rolled his eyes. Reiner was good at a lot of things, acting was not one of them. Before he could disappear into the crowd (and be lost forever, the chance of finding someone in a Christmas fair being close to nonexistent), he grabbed him by the arm. Reiner was pretending to look hurt but Bertholdt could see the smile he was desperately trying to hide. He brought him closer to him. He wanted to feel Reiner’s body against his but the giraffe was stuck between their two chests. Why hadn’t he let Reiner lose?

“You’re the most clever man I know,” he said, half joking, half serious. Reiner liked to play dumb but he was far from being stupid.

“And you are forgiven.”

They kissed innocently from the tips of their lips, Bertholdt even agreed to apologise to “Bertl the giraffe” (although he wasn’t sure of what he should apologise for) and they keep strolling hand in hand. When they walked past the merry-go-rounds, Reiner asked him if he wanted to go but after having considered the long queue of people waiting, Bertholdt shook his head. Besides, Reiner would easily get sick in those things and Bertholdt didn’t feel like going alone. They settled into the German bar instead and ordered two beers. Despite the place being in the open, it was so packed there that Bertholdt almost had to sit on Reiner’s lap. They were so close that even before the waitress came back with their drinks, they had removed their coats. Bertholdt was starting to feel uncomfortable with all those people around, brushing against him, encroaching upon his vital space, but when Reiner passed his arm around his shoulders, thus creating some sort of protective barrier between him and the rest of the world, Bertholdt was able to relax. He suspected that his friend had dragged him in there only to get closer to him but he didn’t mind. He was glad he had, in fact.

“Tell me about your day,” Reiner asked.

Bertholdt grinned, his promotion coming back to his mind.

“I got the curator job!”

Reiner looked truly happy and it warmed Bertholdt’s heart. Reiner had always cared, in his own way, sometimes peculiar, sometimes intrusive. When Bertholdt and Annie had become a real thing, he’d taken Bertholdt out to celebrate, when Bertholdt had been accepted at the university in London, he’d shared his friend’s joy, no matter how much it’d broken his heart.

“We definitely need to drink to that then.”

They waited for the waitress to come back with their beers. They clinked their glasses and drank. The beer was delicious and they both congratulated themselves on their choice.

“So when can I see your office?”

“Never?”

Reiner looked sad but Bertholdt knew he didn’t really want to. Or if he did, he would only be disappointed by the absence of interesting things to see there. But when Reiner asked about the difference between this job and the old one, Bertholdt gladly obliged and started to explain. He noticed the interested light in his friend’s eye although it was probably just gibberish to Reiner, and realised that he might as well have been talking about the weather, Reiner would have still been hanged on his every word. Reiner loved him like that and it made Bertholdt a little sad.

“Congratulations, Bertl.”

Bertholdt bit his lips. He wanted to kiss Reiner very badly. He wanted to feel his lips on his again and play with his tongue. He wanted to pass his hands in his hair and grab the suspenders. But the presence of so many people around him stopped him, not so much because Reiner was a man, but because he didn’t like to show affection in public. He’d been lucky with Annie, but Reiner was way needier.

The fact they were already basically hugging, that Reiner’s fingers were brushing the skin of his neck and that no one around seemed to be giving a damn, made him change his mind. If he wanted to kiss Reiner, right here, right now, a bunch of strangers wasn’t going to stop him. He caressed his friend’s cheek before fidgeting with the suspenders. He definitely liked those things. Reiner chuckled. Bertholdt knew he was proud of the effect he had on him and couldn’t even be annoyed at his cockiness.

He removed Reiner’s glasses, put them on the table and put his hand on his cheek. He moved his face closer and breathed on Reiner’s lips. They didn’t move. Around them people were still talking, and laughing and drinking, and they could still hear the music from outside. Bertholdt closed his eyes and kissed him, first softly and barely touching him, then he put his hand on Reiner’s neck to bring his face closer and he deepened the kiss. It felt intoxicating. Maybe it was the taste of beer on Reiner’s tongue, maybe it was his smell, maybe it was the warmth. Bertholdt closed his arms around his body. He could feel the muscles of his friend’s back through his shirt.

After a few moments, they rested forehead against forehead, breaths short and eyes closed. Bertholdt heard his friend laugh. That sent a shiver down his spine. It wasn’t a happy laugh, it was a bit strangled as if Reiner had tears in this throat. Bertholdt opened his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Bertholdt rolled his eyes. He moved back, allowing Reiner to put his glasses back on.

“Reiner.”

Reiner took another sip of his beer and looked away. He would talk eventually - he always talked - Bertholdt just had to be patient. He looked around, a bit worried to see everyone staring at them but everyone around was chatting and laughing and having fun, and it reassured him.

“It’s just that I’ve fantasised about that for so long, it’s a bit weird now that it’s happening.”

“We’ve kissed before.”

“Not like that.” He paused. “You never kissed me.”

Bertholdt thought about it for a moment. That was true. Reiner had always been the one to initiate the kiss. He smiled and pensively touched his lips. It probably meant nothing but it somehow made him feel better about himself. He leaned towards Reiner again and kissed him on the mouth.

“I’ll have to make up for that then.”

Reiner looked up.

“It’ll take a lot for me to forget about all those nights spent crying in my pillow, thinking about you.”

“Don’t play with me, Braun. You don’t know what you’re signing up for.”

Reiner raised an eyebrow. He had that smile on his face and Bertholdt knew very well what it meant.

“Don’t get your hopes too high either. I never have sex on the first date.”

The look of shock and disappointment he received in return was the only victory he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, just a word about Bertholdt's promotion. I don't really know how it works in the UK but I'm pretty sure that curator is a museum/art gallery thing only. When I started to write this, I didn't think I would ever publish it so I didn't really care about the inaccuracies and now it's kind of too late to change to head librarian (btw, library curator is a thing in France, I'm not just making things up). Also even if library curator is a real thing in the UK, Bertholdt is incredibly young to be promoted curator, so let's just say the boy is a huge nerd with zero social life coupled with a cataloging genius-brain.
> 
> Next chapter : Christmas and Marley (that actually fits the season. Which wasn't even planned)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Reiner hears some ugly truths

_Tuesday 11th May 2010_

_Bertholdt almost stumbles and falls as he_ runs _towards his best friend's house. He manages to keep his balance though and arrives at the door, out of breath but delighted. He rings once – even in his state, he's too polite to actually bang at the door like a madman. The door opens soon anyway on Karina Braun who greets him with a huge smile. She's always happy to see him and Bertholdt has actually noticed that she tends to smile more when she sees him rather than her own son. It usually bothers him and makes him uncomfortable but he's too happy to care today._

 _“Good afternoon,_ Mrs _. Braun.”_

_He shifts his weight from one foot to the other impatiently._

_“Reiner’s in his bedroom,” she says and she's barely finished before he’s already_ rushing _towards his friend's room._

_Bertholdt doesn't bother knocking at his friend's door. He makes his way in, opening the door wide, as wide as the smile that hasn't left his face. Reiner is lying on his bed, listening to music, and he jerks up when he hears the door open._

_“Mum! I … Bertl?”_

_His face softens when he_ recognises _his friend. He sits up as Bertholdt closes the door behind him and stands in the middle of the room, beaming, red and sweaty from his run. For once, Reiner is glad to see that his friend is not in this state out of nervousness as usual._

_“I kissed Annie!” Bertholdt bursts out. Reiner doesn't look as excited as he should have been but Bertholdt doesn't notice. He's too self-absorbed at the moment to spot the sadness in his friend's eyes and hell, it's rare enough for Reiner not to get mad at him. On the contrary._

_“You have to tell me everything.”_

_Bertholdt lets himself fall on the floor, looking utterly exhausted. The excitement of kissing a girl is kind of fading right now and the slow_ realisation _that he now has an official girlfriend kicks in. He has a girlfriend. He suddenly feels dizzy and a bit sick – what if he's a lousy boyfriend? What if he breaks her heart? What if she comes to hate him? He feels Reiner slide down his bed to move next to him._

_“You ok man?”_

_Bertholdt swallows slowly. He can actually still feel Annie chapstick on his lips, a sweet taste that makes his heart beat faster. He nods slowly. He needs to get a grip over himself because one of the most amazing things has just happened to him and he needs to share it with Reiner._

_“We went to have a sundae by the_ seaside like _you suggested. And as she was about to leave, she leaned towards me and I don't know … I just put my mouth on hers and she kissed me back!”_

_“Swell.” Reiner winks. “How did it feel?”_

_“Soft.” Bertholdt pensively touches his lips. “Her lips are super soft. And it wasn't as wet as I expected.”_

_Reiner rolls his eyes but cannot help a faint smile._

_“Yeah well, you were not going to french her the first time, right?”_

_Bertholdt pouts but doesn't reply. They both lie down on the carpet, top to tail  Bertholdt can feel his friend’s eyes on him but despite the closeness, it doesn’t make him uncomfortable - as a matter of fact, he doesn’t see how Reiner could ever make him feel uncomfortable. Besides, he’s too elated to feel any discomfort – he's just kissed the girl he's been crushing on for ages and he's now sharing it with his_ favourite _person in the world._

_“So what’s next?”_

_He looks at Reiner. In all those years thinking about Annie he’s devised various dates_ scenarii : _romantic, hot, dramatic. He’s dreamed about that moment - actually taking her out, he should be prepared but somehow, he’s at a loss for ideas._

_“I don’t know … I thought maybe a picnic on the cliff. Something simple. Kinda romantic?”_

_He expects Reiner to give his consent - Reiner is way better to make decisions - but he shakes his head._

_“Romantic is over-rated.”_

_Ah._

_Bertholdt’s face crumbles a bit._

_“What you need is to get into her pants. Get a piece of that ass, right?”_

_Bertholdt blushes furiously and looks away. He doesn’t like when Reiner is crude, as a matter of fact, he doesn’t like when Reiner talks about Annie like that. But he doesn’t say anything, he settles for biting his lips and buries his resentment deep down._

_“Take her to the movies. Choose something scary so she’ll get closer to you and then … you know.”_

_He doesn’t need to look at Reiner to know that he’s winking._

_“I don’t think Annie is the kind of girl to be scared by a movie,” he sighs. Cinema is dull. He doesn’t want to go to the cinema with Annie. He wants to give her something out of the ordinary, something exceptional that she’ll remember forever._

_“Right. Still it’s probably the only thing she’ll want to see and you can always pretend you’re the one who’s scared. You never know, she might even let you touch her boobs.”_

_“I suppose.”_

_Maybe Reiner is right. He shouldn’t try and be all romantic, it’s not the kind of guys Annie likes anyway. Besides, he’s never been with a girl before so how should he know what’s best?_

_Yes, Reiner’s right. As usual. Bertholdt sighs faintly. There’s nothing wrong with ordinary after all._

***

Thursday 28th December 2017

“Oh my God I love this song!”

Reiner turned the radio volume up and started to hum. Bertholdt rolled his eyes annoyingly but couldn't really manage to be irritated. Since he had been promoted to curator, nothing had seemed to alter his good mood and to celebrate, he and Reiner had decided to spend a couple of days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve in their hometown. Bertholdt hadn't seen his parents in quite a long time, not since Annie had broken up with him at least, and it felt good to go home.

_“She keeps Moet and Chandon in her pretty cabinet.”_

Bertholdt winced. Reiner had a lot of qualities, singing in tune wasn't one of them.

_“Let them eat cake she says, just like Marie Antoinette.”_

The grimace turned into a smile. They'd been unofficially dating for three weeks and Reiner had never looked so happy. He'd also been able to move from Annie's flat into his own the weekend before which had also greatly improved his mood. Bertholdt was happy. He liked seeing his friend like that, he liked being the cause for it and yet, his lightheartedness was stained with the pressure he was feeling. He still didn't know how he felt about Reiner, not this kind of love for sure although he did enjoy the intimacy, and the possibility that he might have to crush his heart was haunting him.

_“Caviar and cigarettes, well versed in étiquette, extraordinarily nice.”_

The tune got to Bertholdt and he started to sing along.

 _“She's a killer queen, gunpowder,_ gelatine _, dynamite with a laser beam.”_

Pushed by Bertholdt's performance, Reiner started to sing even louder, making grand gestures in the small space of the car, almost punching Bertholdt with his right arm in the process.

_“Guaranteed to blow your mind!”_

_“Anytime.”_

Reiner winked, making Bertholdt blush. He cleared his throat and tried to focus on the road again. They had decided to avoid the motorway, Reiner had described it as dull and boring – a statement not far from the truth – and they had opted for the countryside roads. The weather wasn't great, it was cold and cloudy and it had even rained not so long ago but Bertholdt didn't mind. Driving under the rain, he could do. Driving with the sun in his eyes, on the other hand, was a real nightmare.

_“To avoid complications, she never kept the same address.”_

Reiner's singing wasn't as enthusiastic as before and Bertholdt suspected that he didn't know the rest of the song that much. He turned down the sound of the radio. He liked Queen as much as the next man but having it deformed in such a way by Reiner's awful singing was more than his ears could bear. Reiner pouted but didn't protest. He sighed contently and looked through the window pensively. Bertholdt took advantage of it to throw him quick glances. He wanted very hard to believe that Reiner was better. He surely looked like it, Bertholdt had noticed the small changes : Reiner was more prone to take care of himself, he was making plans for the future. But as he had said himself several months ago, the depression was still there, lurking in the dark. Bertholdt could see it in his eyes sometimes when Reiner thought he wasn't looking. Sometimes he would just fall silent without any reasons or make a depreciating remark. Bertholdt had stopped trying to reach him in those moments. It was like talking to a wall, it was almost like Reiner was a different man, and Bertholdt had never felt so powerless. He wanted so badly to help him but he had come to the realisation that even if he could support Reiner, ultimately, it was a battle Reiner would have to win by himself.

Bertholdt braked gently and brought the car to a stop at a traffic light. They were almost there, Marley was only a few miles away now. And after more than three hours driving, Bertholdt was relieved. Reiner looked away from the window to put his hand on Bertholdt's who distractedly brushed it with his thumb. 

"I love you.”

Bertholdt tensed. Despite the cold – his car was an antiquity, the heater was a bit capricious – he felt beads of sweat run down his back as his heartbeat accelerated. Reiner had no right to say that.

“Reiner ...” he started.

“No. You don't have to say anything. I know you don't. But I realised that I've never said it. I need to say it. In case something happens.”

Bertholdt started the car again, sighing. Whatever Reiner was saying, it was still unfair to say those words. Even if he didn't mean to, the pressure it was putting on Bertholdt was too much.

“Cut the shit, Reiner. Nothing’s going to happen.” Reiner opened his mouth to reply but Bertholdt wasn't finished. “And I'm a bit offended that you think that I don't love you. I do. I love you more than you know, more than anything. I've always loved you, more than Annie even, even when you disappeared, when you pretended that I didn't exist.”

He stopped there, slightly panting. He hadn't meant to say all that, he hadn't even been aware that was how he had felt. But he did. He loved Reiner, just not the same way Reiner loved him.

“I never pretended that you didn't exist.”

Bertholdt didn't say anything to that. He had another view on the matter but he didn't want to argue with Reiner. He just hold the wheel a bit tighter and stared in front of him.

"Bertholdt.”

He ignored that, as well as the hand Reiner put on his knee. But he felt cornered in the small space of the car. There was nowhere where he could run, no escape and it was making him feel even more anxious than he was already feeling.

“For shit's sake, Bertholdt! Man up a bit and tell me what's on your fucking mind! I'm not a psychic. Most of the time I don't have a clue about what is going on with you, do you know how frustrating this is?”

He was choking. He needed space, he needed air, he needed to be away from Reiner. He pulled over, killed the engine and stepped out of the car. He wanted to run away, anywhere, just far away from his anger, but Reiner was already out of the car, holding him by the arm.

“Don't run away!”

He faced him back.

“Leave me alone.” He was desperate. He couldn't face the emotions that were battling inside of him. He'd done a good job at keeping them at bay, hidden behind his politeness and good manners. Damn, even when he had stormed out of the pub back in September, when he had first confronted Reiner, he had been in control. The storm he was feeling coming was much bigger than that. He couldn't face it.

“Talk to me Bertl. For once in your life, be honest with me.”

He could see that Reiner was mad too and it only fuelled his own anger. Reiner had no right to be furious at him.

“Ok, you want me to talk, I'll talk.” His voice was too calm. He wanted to shout at Reiner but all he could manage was a low shaking voice and it was scary. “You're the worst friend anyone could ever wish for, Reiner. And I'm not even talking about you disappearing on me for seven fucking years. That was only the cherry on the top.” He chuckled. Reiner was livid. “You always made me feel like shit, do you even know that? You always made me feel like I was unreliable, like I was weak but you know what? It's only because you took control of all aspects of my life. You never let me make my own decisions. But I didn't even care because you were my best friend, you were the most important person in my life and I loved you.”

“I ...”

Bertholdt cut him by shaking his head. He wasn't finished. His whole body was shaking now, he couldn't believe that he was saying all this, he couldn't believe it was his voice. He wanted to stop.

“You know I was happy to go to London, to be away from you, just for a bit. But I never wanted you to disappear completely from my life. I never wanted to lose you because it didn't matter how selfish you were, you were still my friend. And if you had talked to me, I would have come every weekend, shit I would have even done this fucking three-hour drive several times a week just to be with you and make sure you were ok. But you chose for me, again, you chose to cut me out of your life and you broke my heart Reiner. You say I'm frustrating? Well... how about that? You say you never pretended I never existed? What the hell did you do during those seven years? It was too painful for you seeing me with Annie, I get that, but you could have fought for me!”

Bertholdt was panting. It was worse than running, worse than climbing five flights of stairs in one go. He felt like his heart was going to explode. Reiner didn't look any better. He looked like he was about to collapse, he even had to hold onto the car. They remained silent for a long time, unaware of the cars passing close, unaware of the rain that had started to fall. Bertholdt didn't know what to do next. His anger had faded a bit. His relationship with Reiner had evolved, it wasn't as unhealthy as it had been. Bertholdt knew better than letting Reiner control him, it had taken him enough time to take control of his life, he wasn't going to let it all go to hell with Reiner. He was actually happy in the relationship they had but he knew that things between them would never be the same, not after what had been said.

“I … I never realised.”

“I know.”

Bertholdt felt his hair dripping on his shoulders and finally acknowledged the rain pouring down. He sighed and got in the car, soon joined by Reiner.

“I'm sorry...” Bertholdt started but it was Reiner's turn to talk.

“No. Thank you for telling me that. I really don't know what to say. But I want you to know that even if it wasn't obvious, I did love you too. And I don't mean this crush thing. I've loved you way before that and I'm sorry I never said it before. I'm sorry for all that I did to you, I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry for everything.”

Reiner lowered his head. He removed his glasses and proceeded to clean them although Bertholdt suspected that he just wanted to keep his hands busy.

“Look,” Bertholdt started after a while. The mere presence of Reiner next to him had become overwhelming. He needed space. He needed time. “It's too much pressure. I can't do it anymore. I … I … It's too much. I don't even know how to be around you anymore. I ...”

The pain on Reiner's face was worse than anything Bertholdt had imagined. And it was exactly what he was talking about. He had the impression of having his friend's life between his hands and it was too fucking much. He also needed to protect himself.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Reiner's voice was no more than a whisper.

Bertholdt had no idea. He tried to remember how this fight had started but his mind was blurry and slow. He’d dreamt for years to tell Reiner some home truths. A dream, that’s all it had been. He’d never had the balls to actually do it. Now he was conflicted. He wanted to take everything back, erase the sadness and pain from Reiner’s face. But he couldn’t ignore how good it felt to finally be honest. Ymir would have been proud.

“I don't know. I just need some time. I … I'm not making any decision right now. I just want to think about it. I ...”

_I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Please give me some time. Please don't do anything harsh. Please._

Those words never escaped his throat. He knew if he said anything else, he would start to cry. “Ok.” That was Reiner's only answer. With shaking hands, Bertholdt started the car again, in the heaviest silence.

_***_

Friday 29th December 2017

Bertholdt was home. It wasn’t only the good food his mom was preparing for him and the delicious smell accompanying it, it wasn’t only the fire crackling in the fireplace, it was this sense of security, the certainty that nothing bad could ever happen there. It wasn’t true of course. Bad things had happened here. He hadn’t forgotten, of course he hadn’t, but adult life had proven to be more unforgivable than he had expected and his childhood home had become some kind of safe haven that the problems of everyday life could not reach.

If the world was going to end, it wouldn’t happen while he was home.

He smoothed the blanket on his knees. Kurt Hoover was dozing off in his armchair; his wife Greta was in the kitchen finishing to prepare white chocolate and raspberries cookies. When she entered the living room, carrying a plate and a steamy mug full of warm milk, Bertholdt felt six years old all over again. He grinned, all his worries momentarily forgotten.

Greta woke her husband and sat next to her son, offering her cookies. Bertholdt took one and was sent to heaven with the first bite. He closed his eyes, somehow allowing the burst of flavours in his mouth to take all over his body. This was almost paradise, the only thing missing to make it perfect being Reiner. He shut that thought at the back of his mind. He finished the first cookie, drank his milk and took another one under the appreciative look of his mum.

“I know you’re very busy,” Greta started, “especially with your new job. Don’t think we’re not happy for you. We are, really, but your dad and I would also like to see you some more, you know. We miss you.”

Bertholdt lowered his head. He knew he hadn’t seen his parents in ages and couldn’t think of a single one reason for him not to have come home before.

“Sorry mom.”

“We thought you’d come and spend some time with us after you and little Annie got separated,” Kurt added.

Being taken care of would have surely done some good but the idea of his parents seeing him broken by his break-up with “little Annie” had been too horrendous. He put his cookie back on the plate, suddenly not feeling very hungry and drank some more milk.

“Do you think she dumped you because you weren’t fulfilling her sexually? This happens more often nowadays.”

Bertholdt spit the milk he’d been drinking and began to cough desperately. He experienced one blissful second during which he actually believed he was going to choke to death, a prospect much more endearing than answering his mother, but he soon began to breathe normally enough and apart from a sore throat and a shirt covered in milk, there were no traces of the incident. Greta didn’t seem flustered by her son’s choking and Kurt had simply raised his eyes. Bertholdt, on the other hand, was having a hard time keeping his composure. He should have been used to his mother being direct and to the point, and yet, she always succeeded to take him by surprise with each and every of her embarrassing questions. She wasn’t really expecting an answer, though, was she? Bertholdt made the mistake to look at her. Her curious look made him turn bright red and he began to desperately look around for a place to hide.

“Greta, give him a break. I’m sure Bertholdt is a fine lover.”

If Bertholdt hadn’t been busy wishing to die on the spot, he might have been offended to be qualified as a fine lover. Fine, in the art of lovemaking, was the equivalent of beeeh, and if he believed Reiner’s judgement (and he did), he was more than fine. But Bertholdt wasn’t offended, he whined and hid his burning face behind a cushion.

“All I’m saying is that he should take this as an opportunity to put himself into question.”

The milk had completely soaked the front of his shirt, giving him the perfect excuse to flee. He jumped to his feet, mumbled something about having a shower and literally ran upstairs. He didn’t see the wink Kurt gave his wife and the smile that responded to it.

He started to feel better only after he had reached to safety of his bedroom and sat on his bed for a few minutes. Bertholdt loved his parents very much, they were open-minded and caring but Kurt had a terrible dad humour and Greta, well Greta was just astonishingly embarrassing. He shivered. With his wet shirt, he was starting to be cold. He got up, took a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt in his bag and locked himself in the bathroom.

He stayed a long time under the hot spurt of water. After the way his parents had made him uncomfortable, he didn’t care using too much water. He knew that his dad had just been joking but his mum was dead serious and Bertholdt was seriously hoping she wouldn’t expect an answer ever. Not tonight, not tomorrow. Just never. She didn’t understand some boundaries and Bertholdt had very little hope for the future. But next time he would be prepared.

When his skin began to wrinkle under the water, he stepped out of the shower. With all the steam, the bathroom looked more like a sauna. Bertholdt waited some time for the steam to dissipate and proceeded to dry himself with one of the warm and soft towel his mother had prepared for him. Greta Hoover may ask the most embarrassing questions, she always seemed to know what her son would need even before he was aware of it. He was about to put on his tee when he noticed something was off. The shape, the colour, the texture under his fingers didn’t resemble anything he knew. It wasn’t his. He looked at the front with “TITANS” written in big red letters. It was the t-shirt of Reiner’s rugby team, the one he slept in. He stared at the damn thing for a while. He hadn’t heard from Reiner since he had dropped him off in front of his mother’s house and had spent most of the night worrying for his friend.

Everything he had told him the previous day had been painfully true. It had taken Bertholdt a lot of time and energy to find himself after Reiner had disappeared but he wasn’t so weak anymore. He could stand up to him, speak for himself, take his own decisions. They had been kids back then and Bertholdt had already made his peace with it. He brought the tee to his nose and, eyes closed, humed it. He was vaguely aware that a teenage girl wouldn’t have behaved differently but couldn’t care less. He missed him. He missed Reiner and he wanted him to know. He wanted him to know that no matter what he couldn’t help thinking about him.

Bertholdt put the tee-shirt on, finished to get dressed and left the bathroom, resolute. He took his phone. They weren’t children anymore - if they couldn’t be honest with each other, then what was the point?

**I miss u. Come over tomorrow.**

_*_ _**_

Saturday 30th December 2017

Bertholdt pushed the door of his childhood bedroom closed. He felt like he had put on a thousand kilos and made the solemn promise in front of his mirror to eat soup for the rest of the year. That wouldn't be too hard anyway. He observed his reflection for a while. He had killer black marks under his eyes – that his mother hadn't missed – due to his lack of sleep. He hadn't managed to sleep much in the last two nights, barely a couple of hours, his fight with Reiner kept coming back to his mind. He was hearing his own voice, saying all those nasty things, as if it wasn't his.

He sighed and looked down at the jumper his mother had made for him. It was navy blue, his favourite colour, and although it was slightly scratchy it was very warm. He smiled as he caressed the fabric. His mother had cooked a real banquet for his birthday and he had spent a great time with his family but he had missed Reiner. He had hoped that after his message, Reiner would come over but he hadn’t even replied. The two blue ticks indicated that he had read it, though. Instinctively, Bertholdt took his phone out of his pocket, hoping to see a message from his friend. Nothing. Reiner hadn't even written to wish him a happy birthday. Bertholdt knew he hadn't forgotten but it hurt all the same.

“Whatever.”

He turned away from his reflexion to crash on his bed. It was barely half four and yet it was already dark outside. Bertholdt liked that time of the year. He liked staying comfortably at home, in his armchair with a good book while outside the wind was freezing. Maybe it was a bit selfish. Reiner was the opposite. He was the kind to complain about the rain and the cold and the snow and would only be happy sweating like a pig under a burning sun. Disgusting.

Bertholdt buried his head in his pillow. He had to stop thinking about Reiner. What was Marco doing? He was probably back in London after spending Christmas with his parents. He smiled. That Christmas had actually been one of the best in his whole life. Reiner and him had spend Christmas Eve with Eren and Mikasa, who had taken cooking lessons with Sasha. The food had turned out to be rather original but they had spend a nice evening playing games. On Christmas Day, Reiner and Bertholdt had spent the day together, first exchanging gifts (Reiner had bought Bertholdt a gorgeous edition of _Frankenstein_ , his favourite book) then watching cheesy Christmas movies.

And, back to Reiner. Could he even stop thinking about him for one full minute? That was getting ridiculous, really. A buzz on his ass took his attention away from Reiner. With a grimace, Bertholdt took his phone out of his back pocket and just proceeded to stare at the screen for a good five minutes, dumbfounded. He did have a text. But not from Reiner. He unlocked his phone and read the message, his heart beating furiously in his chest.

**Happy birthday Bertholdt :) (and merry c** **hristmas/happy new year while we’re at it) I hope you had a great time with your family. Love, Annie. Xx**

He read the message several times and came to the conclusion that Annie had probably drunk too much eggnog. Annie never ever used smiley in texts, she didn't send love either. Maybe it was a fake. But it was Annie's number and she was on holidays in Switzerland with her dad, he couldn't see who would have written that. Conclusion : she was drunk. He closed the message without answering. Two minutes later, he opened it again, wrote “Thanks” before deleting it and closing the message again. Five minutes later, he changed his mind, started to type an answer that he never got to finish. His mum was knocking at his door.

“Bertholdt, Reiner is down to see you.”

Bertholdt forgot completely about Annie's drunken message. He abandoned his phone on his bed and ran down the stairs. He opened the front door and joined Reiner on the porch. His mum had decorated it with white lights, giving to the scene a romantic atmosphere. Bertholdt didn't even notice. Reiner was standing there, head down, one of his hands in his pocket, the other one holding a paper bag.

“Happy birthday Bertl!” He clumsily gave him the bag. Bertholdt blushed as he took it. There was a book inside, a big book with a black cover. He took it out. No, not a book. A photo album, with golden letters on the front cover. _Princes of the universe_. Bertholdt laughed.

“You remembered?” “

Of course!” Reiner looked slightly offended. When he spoke again though, his voice was low and guilty. “I know you turned twenty-five last year but better later than never.”

Bertholdt agreed. He was too positively surprised to even feel mad at Reiner for having missed his last seven birthdays. He hugged his friend, beaming, happy that Reiner had finally come over.

“Thanks! That's the best gift.” He felt guilty for one second about his mum's jumper but decided that it was a close second.

“Open it,” Reiner teased.

They both sat next to each other on the first step leading to the house of Bertholdt's parents. Bertholdt put the album on his knees and opened it. It was full of pictures of the two of them, the first one being Reiner crying while Bertholdt was standing next to him, looking utterly panicked. Bertholdt chuckled. He couldn't remember when this picture had been taken, he had been no more than four at the time, but he remembered seeing it with his parents years later. According to Greta, the picture had been taken the first time Reiner had been invited to come over Bertholdt’s house. Reiner had fallen in the stairs, hurting his knee, and Bertholdt had panicked about his new friend never coming over again.

“Look at that chubby face,” Reiner pointed out. “You were so cute!”

“Shut up.”

He turned the page. The first few pages were from their kindergarten time, mostly Reiner crying and Bertholdt trying his best to comfort him. Annie appeared soon after, a little girl with white hair and big blue eyes. In one of them, she was pulling Reiner's hair as he was obviously screaming while Bertholdt was standing in the background looking confused. He burst out of laughter. He did remember that. Reiner had made the mistake of telling Annie she was weak because she was a girl. She had then proceeded to prove him wrong. Bertholdt kept turning the pages. Annie appeared in more pictures as well as some of their other friends. Marcel and his brother Porco, and Pieck. They had all lost touch. It made Bertholdt sad for a minute until a picture of him sleeping with his ass up in the air appeared.

“What. Is.That?” “

The first time I took a picture of one of your sleeping positions. I kept it next to my bed for years.” Reiner looked very proud of himself and Bertholdt decided to ignore the last part of that sentence.

There were fewer photos of them as teenagers and the album finished with a picture of the two of them, arm in arm, laughing to tears. He remembered when this photo had been taken : the last time he had seen Reiner before moving to London. He stared at the picture for several minutes, allowing his sadness to conquer him for a brief time, before closing the album.

“How did you get all those pictures?” he whispered.

“My mum had a few and I also asked your parents several months ago.”

Reiner had been planning this for a long time. Bertholdt kissed him on the cheek.

“Thank you. I love it.”

Bertholdt rested his head on his shoulder, eyes closed and the album pressed against his chest. It was cold outside, especially with just a jumper, but he didn't want to move, he didn't want to spoil that moment. It was more that the season and the lights and the gift, it was like a window on their past, a past that wasn't so complicated.

“Reiner,” he whispered. “About what happened the other day. I meant everything that I said and I don't want to lie to you again. But I also know that it wasn't your fault and that I forgave you a long time ago. I don't want to lose you again. I want to see where this is going, if you still want to.”

Reiner didn't reply but he didn't need to. It was easy, they didn't even need to talk. Bertholdt looked at his friend's powerful hands without really seeing them. _I think I'm falling in love with you_. A tear rolled down his cheek. Maybe it was the gift and the happiness of making out, maybe it was nothing. But the thought was there, it had crept in his mind and now he couldn't think of anything else. He straightened up, trying to hide his tears, in vain. Alarmed, Reiner stared at him before putting his lips on Bertholdt's tears as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Bertholdt didn't move, he was like paralyzed by Reiner's touch. He let him kiss up his cheek to his eye before putting his mouth on his. He didn't care if his parents could see them. He wanted Reiner.

When they broke the kiss, their cheeks bore the same pink colour.

“Do you want to spend the evening with me tomorrow?” Reiner asked.

“Yes.”

Reiner got up and helped his friend do the same.

“Then I'll pick you up at eight.”

Bertholdt smiled. He was about to go back inside the house and let Reiner head back home when he turned around, hailing his friend. “

Reiner! Did you take your meds yesterday?”

“Yes.”

He couldn't be sure he was telling the truth, of course, but for the sake of their relationship, Bertholdt decided to trust him. He waved him goodbye and disappeared inside the house.


End file.
